Shane Victorino, a man who respected Phillies bloggers have called a “raging, gastrointestinal ball of Hawaiian thunder,” will actually be standing in the field when a baseball game starts for the first time in 2010.  That’s right, tonight, at 7:05, Shane gets the start in center against Atlanta, sore shoulder and all.  And he even threw in a reference to the highly rewarding process of raising children.

And finally, we are going to talk about him on That Balls Outta Here.  Prepare yourselves.

Okay.

Finally coming out of retirement for 2010! The sinister monkey on the bed frame I cannot explain.

Has Shane’s powerfully sensed absence allowed us to drift from what lies ahead for him in 2010?  What’s different?  Well, for starters, he’s probably not batting second, except for tonight, when he is.  Placido Polanco will obviously fill the two hole because of his engorged likelihood to make contact.

Not that Shane doesn’t make contact.  But how will this pie-chucking speed demon adjust to his change of scenery?  Will we have to watch as the engines on his batting average explode and send him plummeting back to earth as a pile of flaming wreckage?  Or will he flourish in his new role, giving life to the bottom of the lineup that is no longer being shived repeatedly by the likable Pedro Feliz?

Let’s go the fans.

According to votes on FanIQ, Shane will have 79 RBI in his new spot.  That’s… that’s way more than last year.  But that makes sense, because now there’s more guys hitting in front of him; guys like Jayson Werth, Chase Utley, and Raul Ibanez, who seem to have a knack for putting themselves in scoring position.  Maybe not “second half 2009 Raul” but the “look at him go, he runs like a freaking arthropod” Raul.

Of course, this same survey says that fans are under the impression Shane will play in 162 games this season, so you might say these results are biased, or possibly even meaningless.  You may wonder why someone who called themselves a “respected Phillies blogger” just three paragraphs ago would even bother to put in a reference like that.

But there’s a certain stock you can put in the predictions of fans, as we are the people who observe the team with the most impassioned, consistent eyes, especially here in Phila–

Wait, wait, wait a second– 24 home runs?! That’s… that’s more than twice his 2009 numbers.  Who’s taking this survey?  His kids?  A busload of ravenous Victorino fans?  Me?

Wait… did I get on FanIQ and start making overzealous and weirdly vulgar claims about Shane Victorino’s 2010 stats?  I mean again.  Damn it.  Here comes another warning from the site admin.

Well, it’s just good to see Shane back on the field, and I hope his shoulder doesn’t explode or something tonight.  I can’t imagine having to go through a Joe Nathan-esque scenario with one of our key players going down in Spring Training.

And finally, Shane couldn’t get out of a recent interview without an adorable sound byte:

“You can always have a bad game, you’re frustrated, and you come home and see that smile on your child’s face, and it makes your day.”

Awwwww!

Oh, and speaking of children, that little girl who threw the foul ball back at the Phillies game last season is going to be on “Tosh.0″ this week.  Loser points are awarded to anyone who knows/cares about what the hell any of the things I just said are.

Some people just find the relentless verbal abuse of Citizens Bank Park alluring.  I guess.  I’ve never been on the receiving end of it before.

One of these people seems to be Pat Burrell.

“I don’t if there is any way of saying this without getting myself in trouble,” he started, in one of the most dangerous prefixes to a public statement a person can give.  He went on to say how special of a place Philly is to play, how the tradition is “stronger,” how the fans so much more likely to say something racist, irrelevant, and/or horrifying all in the same breath…

After openly saying that Phillies fans are better than the Rays, which in any other circumstance wouldn’t be too much of a scandal, but he does play for the Rays, Pat went on to request a starting job in right field.

Now, “Pat Burrell’s defense” is a phrase not seen outside of a “what went wrong” segment on Phillies Post Game Live.  The problem is that at DH, he wasn’t really getting the “H” part down in 2009, and there was an awful lot of time between at bats that I’m sure he would have rather been in the outfield, wondering what to do if the ball actually came to him.

And, damn, Pat… I’m not going to tell you not to rip on the Rays, but your timing… you know, right before you’re about to ask for more playing time, was not the greatest.

But thanks.  Sometimes, when a routine fly ball is headed for Raul Ibanez and he somehow winds up face planting, or the rowdy bunch of middle-aged woman on a work outing start chattering about which Phillie has the cutest ass, we think of you too.

HALF-ASS RECAP

Now, in actual Phillies news, the big thing out of yesterday’s loss to the Rays was B.J. Rosenberg, who struck out two and didn’t allow a run in two innings.  This is supplemented by scoreless turns from J.A. Happ and Phillippe Aumont (who, I’m sure we all remember, was locker-punchingly rocked in his first Grapefruit League appearance).

And then Domonic Brown got all “Domonic Brown” and went 3-5 with 2 RBI.  Speaking of Shane Victorino (???), he may FINALLY start a game against Atlanta this week, which means I can finally get some damn sleep.

Currently, we’re up 1-0 on the Yanks today.

I should probably go back to work now.

Seeing as how once again, Shane Victorino will not be in the lineup, claims he is fine and doesn’t want to rush things, the Phillies have a greenhouse of fertile outfielders, and Charlie Manuel ended a sentence with the word “dude,” it may be time to recognize the positive side of the Flyin’ Hawaiian’s absence from the Grapefruit League.

"HOOT." photo courtesy of Delaware County Times.com

One is Domonic Brown.  Have you ever seen Domonic Brown play baseball?  Have you ever seen the sun set over the Grand Canyon?  And then beat the throw to first?

Just when you think he’s a power player, he tries to stretch out a double, and yes, was technically “out,” but… it was close.  In a game that doesn’t matter, “close” is acceptable, because it means one of these times, you’re going to be safe.

Which shouldn’t be a surprise, considering Brown is just “one of those guys” who can do absolutely anything with precision, power, and skill.  Until he finally comitted to baseball, the guy was up for a career in the NFL as well.  Despite being really, really, ludicrously good, he went with baseball, explaining that football was “… just something to do, the same with basketball.”

You’d think some people, who maybe tried all the same sports with varying degrees of success (or crap) would resent somebody for a statement like that, and if he was wearing a Yankees jersey, okay, yeah, I probably would, but Domonic Brown’s the big piece.  Domonic’s what’s left in the piggy bank, and this Spring Training, he’s showing us why.

Shane says the next two or three days could see him back to running around the outfield like his hair’s on fire, with his 80-85% “there” shoulder only getting his throws 130 feet.

“He’s coming along well. He’s fine. Somewhere along the way, you’ll see him, dude,” Charlie explained, throwing in a bit of stoner lingo he’s picking up from being in the Phillies locker room on a daily basis.

In list-related news, Larry Andersen was pissed that the Phillies were crammed in at #2 in the Sporting News team rankings.  I guess not “pissed.”  In my head he’s screaming his response into some poor Sporting News intern’s face, which would probably have been the route I took had they called and asked for my opinion.  Not this year, though. That’s okay.

It’s funny to read further down the list and see so many team analysts say “Yup, that’s about where they should be,” about teams that are sure to stumble, fall, or shit their pants (some all three).

“Hey guys,” Roy said, unable to look the Blue Jays in the eye.  ”You’re looking good.”

The Blue Jays nodded, just wanting the moment to pass.  But it was prolonged even further when both parties tried to say something at the same time, then let the exchange de-evolve into a couple bouts of nervous laughter.

It’s always a little odd running into the ex.

Fortunately, nobody was asking Roy to take the mound and execute his former teammates one by one yesterday.  Two other stories from the Phillies fabled rotation were curving and sliding their way to respective climaxes:  For Cole Hamels, that story is about redemption; for Jamie Moyer, it is about shitting on young people.

They’re saying Cole looks better compared to last season, but were people really calling him out last year this early? No.  They were assuming he’d come back and throw perfect games, just like he did.

He did not throw perfect games.

This year, we’re getting a dose of a much more voluptuous Cole Hamels.  Instead of that change-up that opposing hitters were picking up like a beach ball by the end of 2009, he’s turning to his curve and the fresh-off-the-grill cutter he’s been frying up with Rich Dubee.  Based on his own claims (“I knew if I got out in front it would do exactly what I wanted to.  And it did.”), he’s sniping it in there with great control and the it’s obeying him like a faithful dog.

But in case you were having a freak-out over Cole’s second pitch being a home run, don’t.  CSN was on damage control this morning and Jim Salisbury was the corrupt president’s press secretary.  He assured us it wasn’t a big deal and these things happen and just shut up about it because Cole’s working real hard on a cutter and it’s going really well so leave him alone, okay?  All right?  Geeze.

"The Moyer Flap Jack Shack! Closed for renovation all offseason."

Then there’s Jamie Moyer, who proved that he’s even further removed from moving down south with his lady to open a flapjack shack with each passing day.

Jamie Moyer and his previously infected blood hopped on the mound and looked as flexible and spry as a cartoon character.  He hurled 31 pitches, 23 strikes, and got over to first without any trouble to cover for Ryan Howard. Coming at the Jays hard, he struck out three, only pausing to periodically flick off Kyle Kendrick between pitches.

In a very un-Jamie Moyer like display, he didn’t throw more than four pitches to anybody.  Is this the start of a sharp, concise Jamie Moyer?  Could we be seeing the start of a 47-year-old revitalizing his image with quick pacing, as opposed to the classic Jamie Moyer, who graduated from the “Vicente Padilla School of Taking Forever to Throw the God Damn Ball”?

Well, its Spring Training, so I guess anything’s possible.  But the dude was smooth and confident; a far cry from the Phillies pitcher who they were saying was going to be put to sleep at some point in the offseason.

In eye-bulgingly hyper outfielder news, Tyson Gillies, a guy Scott Lauber calls “high energy,” socked a dinger and was apparently a runaway freight train in yesterday’s game, tearing around the bases like there was a statute of limitations on scoring the run.

I like this guy.  You’ve got to be anxious to see what a guy can do when he’s clearly playing under the impression that if you don’t conduct yourself in a timely manner, they will take runs away from you.  But I don’t think anybody really has an issue with how long a baseball game takes.  Isn’t that right, whiny girlfriend of the guy next to our partial season ticket seats last year?

And ShaneWatch 2010 continues, as the centerfielder will, again, NOT be playing in today’s game against the Pirates. Which means I will spend Saturday rocking back and forth in a chair in my living room, fretfully knitting.

There’s a rat stuck in our walls right now.  You can hear it scurrying and squealing and sometimes it falls and there’s a ‘thump’ and we hope and pray that it’s dead but then a few seconds later, there it is again, clawing at the wall, going out of his quickly deteriorating rat-mind, wretching over whether he’ll ever see his family again.

And that’s where the baseball world finds itself right now.  We’re clawing at the wall of March to get to April’s daylight, and its… its slow going.

“Roy Halladay viewed yesterday’s start against the New York Yankees as a chance to recalibrate his body and mind to the feel of a ball game,” says the Philly Inquirer.

And he still struck out three in two innings.  While he was recalibrating. I don’t even know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something a Terminator does.  And oh yeah, out of 24 pitches, only three were outside the strike zone.  Ha, ha.  Ha, ha, ha.  Ha.  What the hell why is Roy Halladay so good at baseball?!?

“He reminds me of Curt Schilling on a game day,” CSN’s Jim Salisbury said of Roy Halladay, making it what must have been the greatest day of Curt Schilling’s recent life.

Carlos Ruiz feigns a smile as Roy Halladay initiates another awkward conversation about "the machines" and their inevitable "righteous uprising against mankind."

I’ve gone past “thrilled” and “excited” that we got him, now I’m just alarmed.  By putting him in our city, we may have changed the current timeline, and now when SkyNet is destroyed and Roy’s defense mechanism is triggered, we’re all gonna be gunned down like caged animals.  And if we learned anything from the two-inning window into Roy Halladay’s career as a Phillie, it’s that he is both relentless and inescapable.

Two of the qualities you don’t want to see in the cyborg assassin from the future that’s been programmed to kill you.

Sorry, that was a little dramatic.  But I’ve been waking up for the past three mornings with the first sound I hear being a living creature begging for its life, so each day starts with a fresh bit of morbidity hanging in the air.

Today, Cole got the ball at 10am, and Jamie Moyer gets it later for the 1pm show against the Blue Jays.  We’re also going to see the likes of J.C. Ramirez, Ryan Vogelsong, Antonio Bastardo, Chad Durbin, Ryan Madson, and Scott Mathieson.

I want to see Jamie Moyer pitch more than anyone else.  I’ve got to admit, I’ve done a total 180 on my opinion of him starting… which is probably because I haven’t seen him start in many, many months.  But he’s totally rock solid in affirming that he’s ready to play, 100 years old or not, and I for one am convinced that he deserves a few starts before we begin the intoxicated screaming, taunting, and terroristic threats that come with being a displeased Phillies fan.

No Shane in the lineup AGAIN?!  This week is really costing me; I can’t afford to miss this much work.

And now, let’s close with some classic Hal Bodley mindless jabbering:

“He’s quiet, all-business and fiercely competitive — one of the premier talents in the Major Leagues.  But does he enjoy it?”

Hard-hitting question, Hal.  Does Chase Utley actually enjoy baseball?  I would say no, because of the violent bouts of sobbing he falls into between pitches.  I can’t believe nobody else has noticed them over the last few years.

I’d tear into the rest of the article, but there’s barely any writing in it, just the copy-and-pasting of several dozen interview quotes and a wildly uninteresting re-telling of Chase Utley’s career.