Archive for May, 2010

Not since the great Kevin Millwood in 2003 have the Phillies seen such a day of historic magnitude, and he went on to be a luke warm starter for the Orioles. So it’s not even really that advisable of a career move, it seems.

Don’t be fooled. That was no slump-busting baseball. It was a tooth and nail battle to out fuck-up the Marlins set in the tepid, waterlogged tip of Florida’s dick hole.

When you’re the guy in the bar screaming and biting your fist while everyone else is trying to hear the bingo announcer, it is hard to make friends, even if you tell them you write a Phillies blog.

It feels like the bus to Citi Field gets there, and 25 corpses tumble out past the bus driver and onto the pavement.

I’ve seen a slump before. Trust me. When I played tee ball, I went hitless in 207 at bats, and then my coach “accidentally” hit me with his car and went into a “sneezing fit” that sounded deceptively more like maniacal laughter than any allergies.

Okay. Somebody get that bat away from him.

The Phillie Phanatic, while the single most fucking hilarious mascot to exist in the history of humanity, is a giant muppet from the Galapagos Islands with a lamp shade for a nose and is meant to represent a baseball team.

Tim Wakefield really made assclowns out of our entire lineup today.

Every year we wind up getting our tassels stuck in the bus door of the American League and they just drag us up and down the highway until there’s just a pulpish, bloody mess where the Philadelphia Phillies used to be.

Guys. The Phillies need a closer.