Thoughts. Everybody’s got some. Lately, Philadelphia fandom has been characterized by thoughtless buffoonery and a total lack of respect for boundaries. “Lately,” in this case, of course means “for the last 200 years.” But, thanks to the age we live in, we can be much more privy to others’ thoughts than ever before!
We’ve got the first field-jumper‘s thoughts, the second field-jumper‘s thoughts, the parents of the first guy’s thoughts, the first guy’s thoughts on the second guy (He think he’s an idiot, by the way).
So today, instead of complaining about the absence of run support for Joe Blanton, here’s a collection of quotes regarding the most useless controversy in baseball history.
“I think it was uncalled for — he wasn’t doing anything wrong…” —Wayne Consalvi, father of first field-jumper
All right, Wayne, I’m going to jump in and stop you right there. Every single thing that was being done by your son when he was tasered was wrong. Not one facet of his thought process landed on the side of “right.” Asking you if he could do it, doing it anyway, complaining after it was done…
Yeah, that. All of that. Wrong.
“… there’s no need to use tasers on fans.“ –Governor Ed Rendell
Actually, I feel a HUGE need to use tasers on fans. And not even just the ones on the field. I think there should be a couple of Citizens Bank employees patrolling the aisles with cattle prods, ready to drop the local drunk racist like a dead cat off the back of a truck. Maybe if one of them had been there as Pukemon had been cramming his fingers down his throat, there wouldn’t have been a little girl covered in vomit.
Like my dad always said, there’s no deterrent like a vicious beating. You’d think a governor would know that. Like Rendell’s never had somebody beaten up and/or murdered before.
“I was actually hoping not to get tased which is the reaction that actually happened.” —Tom Betz, second field-jumper
As an “aspiring DJ” you may want to piece together your thoughts a little more coherently. When you’re setting the airwaves on fire with hilarious commentary or insightful analysis, we’re not going to have the benefit of seeing your really intelligent looking neck tattoos, so whether or not your ideas come across depends on your ability to speak actual human sentences.
“You don’t have to worry about Tasers when you’ve got cops on horses.” —City Councilman Frank Rizzo
Relax, everyone. The totally not corrupt Philadelphia Police Department is here, and they brought horses. Horses, as we all know, are the tasers of the animal kingdom.
Rizzo was harking back to the days of good old fashioned police brutality, which, as many people will tell you, are far from over. Sure, horses and sharp-toothed german shepherds are going to keep people in their seats. The trick is putting them in the care of a police force that is able to determine whether a situation calls for a casual electrocution or the release of a bloodthirtsy animal. So, fortunately, the police officers in question are able to use correct judgem–
“I wasn’t supposed to think. I was supposed to follow orders.” —Sam Antrim, retired Philadelphia police officer
Awesome. Are there anymore applicable quotes from the Nuremberg trials you’d like to use here?
So, clearly, this has been a huge waste of time. Somebody ran on the field and got what he deserved. Then somebody else did and didn’t get what he deserved. This isn’t a controversy–or even a story, really. In fact, its barely news.
Happy Mother’s Day, go get ‘um Cole, and this video is hilarious.