Phillies Somehow Not Arrested for Disturbing Murder of Pirates


The rain was threatening all day in Philly, but it wasn’t until later that it dumped all over us, splashing sewage onto sidewalks and spreading the toxic fumes of wet animals into citywide unhappy nostrils.

Much like the rain, the Phillies were quick and efficient.  They were also relentless, unstoppable, and snuffed out any flames of hope that may have still burned in the hearts of the Pittsburgh faithful.  Both of them.

Kyle Kendrick, though many will cite the Pirates tendency to be destroyed as an asterisk on the night, went deep (eight innings) into the game and got to watch from the dugout as his teammates circled the bases like an escaped troupe of circus animals, running up the score until it was 8-2 in the bottom of the eighth.  A long night for the Bucs.  A long night for Charlie Morton.  A long night for the grounds crew.

Roommate, who at this point hadn’t soured at the Yankees game just yet, offered his two bits.

“Looking at a real beat down.”

I scoffed arrogantly.  “Ha, I’m just waiting for Howard to sock a grand slam here.”

Phillies 12, Pirates 2

It’ll just have to be a divine mystery whether Kendrick’s start would have been so stellar had it been against a stronger club.  His last gem was against a Braves lineup I once feared but now mostly scratch my head at and then go do something else.

Tonight, the Battle of Pennsylvania turned from a friendly game of soaking wet baseball into an unending sequence of nightmares for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Of course, it helps that KK was able to cling to the offense like a baby raccoon on a space heater.  As stable as he’s been–somewhat–I don’t think he fares as well against a better offense.

Speaking of the offense, hold your breath, lock the door, and hope you don’t piss off the Phillies any time soon, because if tonight’s scoring was any indication, their vengeance is massive, and far-reaching, and just more like a scene from Hostel than anything close to baseball (When I say “vengeance” what I am referring to is the fact that the Phillies actually trailed 1-0 for about 13 minutes).

Ryan Howard had six RBI.  That’s just Ryan Howard, by himself.  Jimmy Rollins (who was injured, remember?) went 2-for-4 with a double.  The team combined for 13 hits.  Charlie Morton’s ERA smiled flirtatiously at 10.00.  Even Greg Dobbs got on base for some reason.

Also, Chase Utley wasn’t even playing.  That’s like fighting a bear, but you get to cut off one of his arms.  But the other arms are batting a combined average of .277.  And the bear is definitely still going to eat most of you and feed the rest to his kids.

Tomorrow, Roy Halladay gets his turn, and… yeah.  The Phils will be in an even more vengeful mood, thanks to the devastating injury that may be enough to sideline Jayson Werth.

And now, we’ll end with this quick update from Roommate regarding the Yankees game:

“Francisco Cervelli was just hit by a pitch.  In the neck.  He’s dead.  Marcus Thames had to carry his corpse into the dugout, sobbing.”

Wow, that rivalry just got a little hotter, I guess.

I think its pretty obvious that TBOH is on Twitter.