Phillies Get All Suspicious About Selling All of Their Stuff


What would you think if you started seeing this on your Twitter feed.

Today, it was starting to seem like the Phillies had signed a minor league deal with the Colorado Rockies.  But no, they were pulling the sheet off something else entirely.  Something that didn’t quite cast the awe and grandeur of a “once in a lifetime opportunity.”

The Phillies, it seems, are selling their stuff.

Apr 22, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; The Philadelphia Phillies mascot the Phillie Phanatic entertains during the seventh inning against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Pirates 3-2. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

The team urges you, and me, and everybody, to watch the “Beyond the Pinstripes” pregame Phillies show before Sunday’s day game.  During the broadcast, they will show you what exactly is going to be on sale during an 11-day online auction, gleefully called “The Phantastic Auction,” way to spend 20 minutes on it marketing department.

We will all have the chance to bid on dinner with former Phillies, golf outings, and more.  Yes, like an emotionally lost twentysomething selling all his furniture on craigslist before jetting off to L.A. to be the next Jason Mraz, the Phillies are giving you the opportunity to surround yourself with their people.  I myself will be bidding on the 10-day bro-cation with Shane Victorino, even if it’s just a thing I made up.  It’s happening, Shane.

Get on board.

Rumor has it the Phillies will also be auctioning off an opportunity to discuss with Chad Durbin your problems with him, personally, and an opportunity to hit fly balls to Delmon Young and watch him fall down.

In conclusion, the Phillies would like to assure you that they are certainly not at all running out of money and moving back in with mom.  [EDITOR’S NOTE: Yeah, but, they’re actually not.]