Phillies Looking for Someone to Fill “Totally No Pressure” Pitching Ace Position Previously Occupied by Roy Halladay


Hey, we’ve all got right latissimus dorsi.  Roy Halladay’s is just a little busier than ours.  This is no big deal.

It’s not even fully strained!  He’s got a 1/2 Grade strain.  That’s not even an entire strain.  It’s not even most of a strain.  A reputable source told me that a 1/2 strain could burst Kyle Kendrick into different pieces.

Yes, most doctors will tell you the latissimus dorsi muscle is responsible for a lot of movement in the shoulder.  The shoulder, of course, being the bridge between the arm and the Roy Halladay.  But hey, he’s got another arm, right?  And it’s not like Roy wouldn’t throw the ball out of his mouth if we asked him to.  So that’s fine.

15 days on the DL?  That’s only slightly more than two weeks.  When has anything important in baseball ever taken place in any two week window?  Never, is the answer, and it’s so accurate of an answer that we don’t even have to give it a second thought.  Or any thought, really.  It should be automatic.

We’re the Phillies, remember?  We’re a pitching-only team.  And can you imagine the implications of a pitching-only team that started losing its most important pitchers?  Why, they’d be completely nothing!  They’d barely exist!  Any ages of past glory would be basically erased by the sudden shock of young stars and new friends becoming broken parts and empty slots!  Ha, ha, ha!  Ha!

No, I don’t think it’s too early for whiskey!  Why?  What time is it?

Jesus Christ!  This is why I don’t look at clocks!

Well, fortunately for us, a guy like Roy Halladay is easy to replace.  Remember Phil Humber?  I know, right?  Oh, you actually don’t remember him?  He threw a perfect game for the White Sox this year. Yeah, this year.  The one we’re in.  So anybody can do it.

Whose an option?  Roy Oswalt, last I heard!  Of course I chose not to listen after a while.  Mostly after Lil Roy reverse-Cliff-Lee’d us with the Rangers.  What things are worth listening to after that point?  What things does that even apply to?  See, this is getting even better as we go.

Dave Bush is in Triple-A.  So is Scott Elarton, who has been surprisingly effective at that level since Spring Training.  Maybe his is the comeback story of the decade!  Maybe we’re about to see history made by a lanky white giant from the Rocky Mountains.

And hey, if they happen to let it slip that by the 15-Day disabled list is by no means an indication that he will be gone for only 15 days, don’t let it get to you.  Roy Halladay is just one of our players.  We have many.  Look, here’s Erik Kratz, up from Lehigh Valley to offer third-tier catching support in the wake of the injury.  Apparently Doc filled in as catcher at some points.  Which is weird.

Erik Kratz has only one Major League hit, but it’s a garbage time home run, projecting the catcher to knock in all means of insignificant runs.

What time is it now?

Fuck it.

**Sound of whiskey being poured**