Phillies Minor Leaguers Continue Not Knowing That Drugs Are Bad


People are doing drugs.  Which isn’t surprising.  People love drugs.  Didn’t you see any action movie made in the ’90s?  Drugs are just what people do.

But when those people are wearing baseball uniforms–whoa boy.  Things get serious in a hurry.  And when the drugs are the performance enhancing kind, and not the “I accidentally took a few of my dogs’ meds and tripped for an hour” kind, well.  That’s when baseball’s ferocious authoritative side rears its ugly head*.

*Assuming the players in question aren’t beloved

Three players in the Venezuelan Summer League have been found guilty of drugmongering.  The first one is Daniel Gil of the Yankees, so no surprise there.  I mean when does a day go by that somebody involved with the Yankees doesn’t spit in the face of God.  

However, two Phillies prospects were also involved, most likely dared into trying the drugs in question by Daniel Gil, a known troublemaker.  Both are pitchers, one left-handed (Audrys Mora) and the other normal-handed (Ronald Mendez).  And both won’t be doing any pitching for 25 games.

Sibutramine was the name of their game, making it one of the more unpronounceable games out there, next to “Oligopoly!” and “Don’t Wake Our Daddy, Thucydides the Destroyer.”

This is usually where I include some sort of half-ass research on what in the total fuck Sibutramine is, but I think we can all just assume that its probably a gateway drug that only young Yankees prospects, crumbling under the pressure of pro ball, know about and get their kicks tricking innocent Phillies prospects into buying from them.

I mean that is a really, very serious sounding name.  “Sibutramine.”  That sounds like a train stop in Jersey or the name of your roommate with the constantly-stoned parents.

Basically what I’m saying is, there is no corner of the Phillies organization that you can turn to for release from the tragic end of our season.  Did you hear the one about the White Sox kidnapping Mark Parent and the Phillies helping them?  True story.