Divisional Recourse: Protect Yourself at All Times


Florida Marlins

Dave Winfield has been stalking Mike Stanton, and boy, you could just not ask for a higher quality of stalker.  I mean, if I was going to be relentlessly hunted and watched by somebody, it might as well be a guy who tricked George Steinbrenner into signing him for $7 million more than he thought.  

Winfield once predicted a Stanton home run, one pitch before it happened, which honestly doesn’t seem like that big a deal.  I called Matt Stairs’ home run, Shane Victorino’s grand slam, and Jimmy Rollins’ walkoff double.  Most people point to the fact that I scream “RUNS NOW” before every Phillies at bat to explain my oracle-esque prowess.  But Winfield thinks Stanton’s got what it takes to be an MLB superpower (And so do your NL East Fansided Bloggers).  Then he said that he started knocking in runs immediately at the start of his own career just because he decided to.  You the man, Dave!  You the man.

Chris Volstad is solving a problem by firing lasers into his head.  If that sounds like a purposely misleading sentence, allow me to place it in its proper context:  He received LASIK eye surgery.  Would have been easier to just say that in the first place, I’ll bet.  But regardless of how you’re finding out about it, his eyes are operating at a 20/25 level, which is practically “superhero” territory.

When I was lying to you about the Phillies’ interest in Michael Young, the Marlins were actually considering him, and for a good reason: they need a third baseman; they don’t just want to snag a highly talented player for the in-house laughs and celebratory champagne fountain at lunch like we would.  Matt Dominguez could stand to go back in the microwave a bit longer, and who better to fill in than some awesome, proven player with most of his salary crammed into the Rangers’ mouth?

New York Mets

The Mets finally cracked open their 2011 strategy: sucking.  Wait, wait, let me finish:  Sucking so hard they come back around and somehow become good.  There we go.  Phew.  That almost made no sense.  But that’s the route Terry Collins wants to take, apparently–take all those hateful things people like me say and use them to get the Mets so steamed about being terrible that they manage to pull out a few wins.  This guy explains it better in a story that lasts all of four sentences.

Second base!  Not everybody’s got a ‘Chase Utley’ to rely on.  Some people have to get up in the morning and look Luis Castillo in the face.  Yikes.  Fortunately, the Mets have Daniel Murphy as, if nothing else, an alternative.  The constant breaking of himself prevented him from getting to start at first base in 2010, and then Ike Davis came along and shat all over whatever life plans Murphy had regarding the job.  In fact, there is no guarantee that he gets to be the second baseman, either; with plenty of candidates, the Mets are going to have their pick of a mediocre-at-best litter this spring.

Larry King recently jumped at the chance to defend his pals and Mets owners, the Wilpons, over the hundreds of millions of dollars they lost during Bernie Madoff’s unhilarious Ponzi scheme.  King stated that Madoff is the #1 person on the planet he’d like to interview, in order to ask the question, “Why?”  I believe I can speak for Bernie Madoff when I say, “Hundreds of millions of dollars.”  Psh.  It’s truly despicable that some guys only defraud people for the money.

Washington Nationals

The Nationals have plenty of questions, so how about an answer:  No.  But that’s why we ask questions in the first place; because by themselves, answers often make no sense.  This particular questions deals with a blinding bright spot in their future:  Bryce Harper.  Namely, the immediacy of his breakthrough.  Can it be “now” yet?  Jim Riggleman says what I told you before:  No.

"“It would be very unlikely that he would make the club.”—Jim Riggleman"

Well, darn it.  These Nationals prospects of legend are taking the hell out of their time developing, and Jim Riggleman isn’t helping by being realistic about it.

Here’s an interesting story.  There’s this guy named Jose Rijo who has advised the Nationals in the past who owned a facility they used in the Dominican.  Then they let him go for what Rijo says is no reason, but what the Nationals say is because he tried to convince them a guy named Esmailyn Gonzalez was the next big thing; but he was actually a guy named Carloz Alvarez, who was four years older than the Nationals thought.  Now Rijo’s suing the team, rebuilding his practice facility, and staying out drinking until four in the morning–and the Nationals, though not allowing him to be an adviser, are still trying to glean what they should do with him.

Right now, the best bet is to feed him to Bryce Harper, so that he may drain him of his life force and absorb it into his own.  But that never happens.

Atlanta Braves

Priorities are important, and for once, the Braves and I are in complete agreement on what #1 should be: Protect yourself from Jason Heyward at all times.

We have learned the hard, relentless lesson that often times, Jason ruins everything.  This side effect of having him around is not lost to even those employed by the Atlanta Braves, who were forced to take drastic measures in the face of the sophomore’s inappropriately long home runs.  Those measures were tents.  Last year, a ton of people hated when their cars were destroyed by meteor strikes, courtesy of their rookie all-star.  So naturally, they’ve recovered from the experience by installing tent-shields.

Here’s something else:  Socks!  They’re everywhere.