Sweet Relief


Oh, that crazy bullpen.  What are they gonna do next?

Nothing.  Just like before.

I’m not complaining.  I’m not going use this as a reason to kick Ruben Amaro in the ribs.  He’s been a ballsy wheeler and dealer until this point, and we’re not going to see the fruits, or parasites, of his labor until baseball is actually being played and not just paid for.

And for the most part, he’s been successful.


Barfing Unicorn, what are you doing here?!  We haven’t seen you since Game 3 of the World Series!  I thought you were reserved only for incidents regarding immense disgust or frustration with the Phillies!

Oh, I see.  You’re also the symbol for confusion.  It’s that pesky bullpen, isn’t it, Barfing Unicorn?  You don’t want March to get closer and closer while watching Lidge-ternatives get snatched by other clubs?

Hmm.  Makes sense.  Unlike a unicorn that barfs rainbows.  But you should cut the Phillies some slack when it comes to which relievers they’re signing.

We know who it’s not.  We know who it might be.

Ruben Amaro’s like a starving hawk in the offseason.  Screeching overhead, he swoops down and snares a third baseman, a bench, and the best pitcher in modern baseball in his talons.  Meanwhile, his chicks in the nest are being eaten by snakes.

The chicks being the bullpen.  Work with me, people.

Look, we think somebody’s showing up for a physical in early January.  It’s just a matter of who. Danys Baez?  Mike MacDougal?  Miguel Batista?  What are you barfing about?  This is exactly the type of pitcher Amaro wants.  Roy Halladay, whether you like the signing or not, devoured a lot of money on his way into Philly, and get this, we were apparently already in the red anyway.

So what Amaro’s looking for, Barfing Unicorn, is somebody he doesn’t have to pay much for, but also someone who could really thrive in a Phillies environment.  He wants to not pay for his cake and eat it too.

I know, I know.  It can be hard to watch.  The bullpen is what cost us a lot this year.  You might say our lack of pitching depth cost us a second consecutive World Series title.  And the only guy who achieved true success on the mound for the Phils in the Series is now quickly getting accumulated to the Pacific Northwest.  But they can’t all be behind-the-back grounders and lazily caught pop-ups.

Besides, we still have that delectable farm system.  If we can acquire a couple of experienced late game relievers, the holes could easily be filled by the likes of Antonio Bastardo, Sergio Escalona, or the apparently indestructible Scott Mathieson.  Those guys aren’t going anywhere.

And like I said, it is being insinuated that Ruben’s hauling in a free agent reliever for a physical next month.  So we’re on our way.

Okay?  Think you can keep the rainbows down for the rest of the night?


What?  What now?

Oh.  Yeah.  The Mets signed Jason Bay.  That one I can’t explain.

Stay out of my dreams tonight, Barfing Unicorn.