We did it, guys. We stayed in, fell asleep in chairs, and denied our friends and family enough access to our emotions that we became the number one fanbase in baseball. Via the television. Which we used more than anyone. According to this. Did you know that TV viewership of Phillies games has increased 176% in the last nine years?
“Come on! We’re all going to the bar to engage in classic twentysomething activities, like shouting at televisions, complaining about juke boxes, and sexual attraction!” shouted our friends.
“No, thanks!” we’d reply. “The Phils are on!”
“Dude,” they’d say, their tone dropping to deep levels of concern, “Please come out. You haven’t left your toolshed in eight days and we all know there’s not a TV out there.”
“I’m doing important things out there. Did I tell you about that wild animal who wandered onto my property last week?”
“Yes, you did, while we were all up in the mountains doing those outdoor twentysomething activities and forging stories to talk about at our next hangout.”
“Well, the point is, the Phillies were on in the living room while I was out in the shed sharpening the edge of my shovel.”
“… why do we even want to hang out with you?”
“My car is the only one that can fit all of us in it.”
“Yeah. I can fit a lot of bodies in it.”
“I was kidding.”
“…I can’t fit that many bodies in it.”
**Silence, followed by the sound of a shovel being sharpened.**
“Come on back, vicious animal. I’ll be waiting.”