Divisional Recourse: Everybody’s Pissed

A new year, a fresh start, a whole new set of enemies.  They have to hate us by now.  They must. And thus, we will feast on their hatred, allowing it to once more fuel our playoff-powered death machine.  Let’s find out!

Nationals

I was recently purchasing some fruit from a farmer’s market, when I somebody jammed a needle into my neck and dragged me into an unmarked van.  When I woke up, I was chained to a chair in an empty warehouse, and each of the Nationals’ presidential mascots were taking turns breaking my jaw, re-setting it, and breaking it again.  It was at this point I was interrogated by Scott Stewart of Teddy Never Wins, though he did graciously answer a few of my questions as well, because the guy’s a pro.  So did Frank Meyer, actually, though he sat in the corner for most of the ordeal, wordlessly sharpening a hunting knife.

"“Would I like to be able to say that the Nats are going to be competing to win the NL East? Heck yea; I would love to be able to say that, but at this point I’d be lying if I did.  The Phillies will once again probably win the NL East with close to 100 wins, if not more. I’m a realist; I know the Nationals are not competing with the Phillies yet, so what I’m hoping for and looking for is just improvement with players on the team as well as some of their prospects.”–Scott Scott, Teddy Never Wins"

"“I bow to the Phillies and expect them to win the division. I feel the pressure is on Philadelphia to not lose. Its great for the Nationals because we will have to learn to play superior baseball to compete. The Phillies are only going to make the NL East the best division.”–Frank Meyer, Teddy Never Wins"

Marlins

RICKY NOLASCO IS PISSED.

"“I don’t see how someone couldn’t put us in the top 10. We’ll prove to everybody that we’re for real.”"

Well, that sounds like a threat, Ricky.  Are you… threatening us?

He was upset that in an ESPN poll of the five best rotations in baseball, the Marlins were not even one of the ten original choices.  Well… he’s not wrong.  They should probably be in the poll.  I think having a Josh Johnson in your deck at least warrants participation in some invisible bullshit vote on ESPN.

But why not focus on more important things, Ricky, like your new playground?  Mmmm?  You like that?  You want a new place ***CHEAP SHOT ALERT*** for you and your friends to not be watched playing ball? ***CHEAP SHOT OVER***

As Joe Frisario writes on MLB.com in a series of words that don’t make sense together,

"In 2012, the club will be moving into a new baseball-specific ballpark, but that doesn’t mean it will be completely separating itself from football."

Hell, if you’ve got an afternoon free, or are chronically unemployed, or just “accidentally” sniffed too much of the glue from your kid’s science fair project, you can watch them build it! So you see, Ricky?  There’s plenty to do other than worry about not getting the recognition you deserve!  And by “plenty,” I do mean, “just that one thing I mentioned.”

Mets

Hey guys, Joe Blanton here.  I’m currently standing on Justin’s chest as he struggles helplessly to reach the keyboard like a kitten, but don’t worry, he’s going nowhere.  I’d like to give Ben Berkon from Mets blog Rising Apple a shout-out because he’s like the only person who assumes I’ll still be a Phillie by the time the season starts.  I mean, why get rid of me?  Besides the obvious reason.

"“The addition of Cliff Lee not only makes the Phillies the easy favorites to win the NL East, but arguably the favorites to advance to the World Series. A rotation of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, Roy Oswalt, and Joe Blanton has the chance to become one of the best rotations in baseball history, so it will also be good enough to sweep the floor with the National League in 2011. As a Mets fan, I’m used to disappointing seasons–but I’m not sure I’m ready to watch the Phillies with that monstrous rotation for the next three or so years.”–Ben Berkon, Rising Apple"

What have the Mets even been doing this off season?  They’ve got that Sandy Alderson character from Moneyball in there now, plus not Pedro Feliciano.  I’ll be honest, I haven’t truly been paying attention to them, which is sort of ignorant when you consider that that is exactly when an enemy is most likely to strike but hey look a sandwich.

Braves

Well Braves, for awhile, I was pretty scared of you.  Frank Wren was killing it, bringing in help to all of your most squirming areas

“Geeeehhhhh we need some offense.”

“Fine, here you go.”

“WAAAAHHHH WE NEED A MIDDLE RELIEVER.”

“FINE, HERE YOU GO.”

“MAFWOEIFJ435U898&%^#$% WE NEED A SET UP MAN.”

“FINE, HERE YOU GO, STOP CALLING MY HOUSE.”

Now Uggla wants more money, the pressure’s being laid on Jair Jurrjens, and Chipper Jones is promising a Punisher-style revenge scheme.  Not as scary.