This Cliff Lee Deal is Pretty Neat, by Joe Blanton


Hey, that’s great.  Congratulations, guys.

Wow!  So nice to have four aces on one pitching staff.  And to have that fifth spot there!  I mean, whoever fills that role will be undoubtedly influenced by some of the best pitchers in the game!  Its like finishing a paint-by-numbers sailboat while Michaelangelo is stepping off the ladder in the Sistine Chapel.

Where does all this money come from, is what I’m wondering, though!  There are so many great players on this team, how cant they afford to…to….

**Accidentally catches sight of MLB Fanhouse article on nearby computer screen; reads furiously**

Wha… well that’s…

… but I’m


Anybody gonna bat an eyelid when I peace out?  Any hilarious PhotoShops or memes for ‘ol Joe?  Fuck and no.

What about seeing me in another uniform?  Red Sox?  Brewers?  The Mets?  Anybody want to step up and say it’ll hurt too much?  That they’ll turn away?  That they’ll be overcome with emotion?  That things never would have happened “…if they hadn’t gotten rid of Joe Blanton”?

How many innings of yours did I eat?  10,000?  It felt like it.  Do you know how big of a spike my calorie count took, chewing and swallowing large chunks of baseball games?  My doctor thought I’d been bathing in a deep fryer.  He says there’s no chance I live past 40.  I GOT A FAMILY, MAN.

So, fine.  Go ahead.  Detach the caboose.  Watch me fade into the distance as you party it up like some sort of sexy-party-train (Which is, incidentally, what Jayson Werth rented after the World Series in ’08).

Fine, go ahead.  Suck up part of my $17 mil and ship me off to another part of the less contending country.  I’m a survivalist.  I can kill most animals with my teeth for food.  Just remember, I was good to you.