Phillies Decide Key to 2014 is ‘No Unhealthy Players’


Look at you, sitting there all healthy.

Sep 29, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg (23) in the dugout aAtlanta Braves at Turner Field. Mandatory Credit: Kevin Liles-USA TODAY Sports

You know, there are baseball teams with key pieces whose bones are crumbling, right now, and you’re hording all the health.  Despicable.

“I actually don’t feel quite well,” you stammer. “I’ve had a lot of late nights. I accidentally drank out of everyone else’s coffee mugs today at work and my doctor says I am on the cusp of a ‘furious wave of disease.'”

That is gross. How do you even… what.

“Yeah. He said it from an intercom behind six inches of glass with radiation stickers all over it. Seemed a bit overboard. He was having a really aggressive conversation with a guy with a flamethrower.”

Get your flu shots, everyone.

In the mean time, it’s the Phillies who could use your health, if wasn’t so… full of holes right now. Their team spent many days of the season on the disabled list, with problems ranging from about-to-re-explode Achilles to hysterical blindness. Remember when Cody Asche left the last game of the season with a bloody face? Good times.

Therefore, it’s been decided that what the team could really use in 2014 is all of their body parts in the right places and all of their immune systems industrially pushing away disease. But to do that, they’ll have to

"“I like to have the players prepare to play a game. It all starts in Spring Training for me, and I think the tone is set in Spring Training, whether it’s drills or defensive sessions or outfield sessions. I think the work needs to be done, and I think it needs to be quality and game speed. It’s actually work and not going through the motions. I think we can work on things more.”–Ryne Sandberg via Todd Zolecki"

Jul 13, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies center fielder Ben Revere (2) lays on the ground after fouling the ball off his foot in the eleventh inning against the Chicago White Sox during game one of a doubleheader at Citizens Bank Park. He broke his foot on the play. The White Sox defeated the Phillies, 5-4 in eleven innings. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

You hear that?

If you’re healthy, you’re going to work to keep it that way. If you’re unhealthy,

Ryne Sandberg is going to have you turned into dog food

you’re going to work to change it. The new rehab for guys coming off crutches? A swift shove down the stairs. Just because you beat the pain doesn’t mean it’s gone, Ben Revere. Pain is always lurking; lingering, stalking. And its your crisp bones and delicious muscles it craves.

This is yet another example of Sandberg’s ‘revere-friendship’ strategy; an ongoing plan to prevent the Phillies from getting lackadaisical and lethargic and keep them alert and constantly terrified. I’d say it’s going okay. Cody Asche didn’t even have that much blood on his face.