In Midst of Restructuring, Phillies Call Fans into their Office


Hey, guys. C’mon in. Everybody.

Squeeze together. Little less of you this year! Ha ha, that’s okay. I abandon hope very early in my relationships, too. That’s why I’m so alone! I’ll bet.

Philadelphia Phillies fans celebrate after the Phillies’ 5-4 victory over the Colorado Rockies in Game 4 of the National League baseball division series Monday, Oct. 12, 2009, in Denver. The Phillies advanced to the National League Championship Series against the Los Angeles Dodgers. (AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

So, hello, and welcome to the room the Phillies have affectionately come to call the “fire chamber.” Don’t worry, it’s not what it sounds like! There are never any fires in here. Just merely the threats of people who intend to start a fire after they receive “the bad news.” That they’ve been fired.

As you – all Phillies fans – know, we recently parted ways with pitching coach Rich Dubee and made some adjustments in our stable of trainers. Change is scary, as we all know. Like, when a Phillies player goes and plays for another team because they offer him a ton of money, or because the Phillies force him to go do it, we spend weeks debating whether to boo or not. We wouldn’t put such intense effort into utter nonsense if we weren’t paralyzed with fear that things are different than they were before.

And so, as we enter a phase of frequent, at times seemingly frantic, change, we thought maybe we’d let you off the hook and part ways.

**nervous coughing**

With you. The fans.

Obviously, we’ve appreciated everything you’ve done for this club, except the bad or gross stuff that you did in our name, that was… you acted alone on those, but a fresh start would probably be best for everyone.

You don’t want to be a part of this. Young players? Place-filler free agent signings? Guys ‘developing?’ That’s not fun to watch. Baseball is about homers, and plays at the plate, and homer, and screaming at other for hitting homers! What we’re planning is boring old rebuilding. And you, you’ve got a family or a career now! Presumably! You don’t have time to write four or five blog posts a day on our most minute of activities! And you know nobody is really finding out from you that Mauricio Robles is headed back to Lehigh Valley. Nobody cares about that when the people who are saying it first are saying it.

We’d like to start fresh; maybe become ingrained in the passions of a few young twentysomething transplants from small towns who make friends easily. Let them show some interest in order to meet new people and become part of the local culture, then start bringing people to the park, and then a few years later, bam, they’re getting married on the infield.

May 19, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins (11) greets a young fan before the game against the Cincinnati Reds at Citizens Bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

We’re also seeing a lot of growth in the “rebellious teen” demographic. You know those teens who always threaten to do awful things, not because they would actually do them or even know what they are, but because they spend too much time in some of the wonkier subreddits and just want to say something to upset their parents? Well, we’re currently working on some Mets and Braves fans with children in that age bracket; leaving Phillis pamphlets at their schools; sending the Phanatic to events where we know teenagers will be stoned; in general, just creating baseball-centric schisms between members of young families. Those teens grow up pissing off daddy in a Cody Asche jersey, then the next thing they know, their bitter cynicism blossoms into a friendly rivalry, brings them closer together.

A few years later, they’re toasting a couple of $25 Bud Lights in Ashburn Alley as the 2028 Mets tag a 45-year-old Cole Hamels for seven runs in the first as he begs to be taken out of the game because PED patch is the only thing keeping him alive.

We have a very specific vision of the future here at the Philadelphia Phillies.

Who knows! Maybe someday, the concept that Phillies fans are less like baseball fans and more like the henchmen of a Batman villain will no longer be. Maybe they’ll be a melting pot of laid back Californians and gentle Midwesterners who all moved to Philadelphia for their spouses or jobs.

They’ll be in their prime for years, and we’ll give them something to schmooze with the boss about, maybe impress some gruff bar regulars who were just about to assault them physically.

May 9, 2013; Phoenix, AZ, USA; Philadelphia Phillies fans look on prior to the game against the Arizona Diamondbacks at Chase Field. Mandatory Credit: Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports


“Fellas, please; I don’t want to be in a coma until Ryan Howard’s contract runs out!” they’ll respond.

They’ll stop, and over to buy our fans a drink. “You want a PBR and a Tully?”

“That’s my jawn,” our fans will reply.

They all smile knowingly at each other.

So you see, it just makes sense, as long as it all goes according to an extremely specific plan. It just starts with us going in separate directions, and the Phillies think maybe we should just rip the band-aid off. It’s time for a younger, slicker generation of fans. Want to bring your laptop to the game? Do it! Chase Utley might hassle you for a while, maybe hurl a bat at you, but don’t listen to him! Or feel his stares!

So, you guys, you know how to get our of here, right? Sorry about the SWAT team waiting to escort you out, on the other side of my office door with their guns drawn.