Carlos Ruiz Headed for Catastrophic Heat Levels


Scientists are perplexed as to the current condition of Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz, who has hit .319 with an .855 OPS through August and September.

“The earth is cooling, with the approach of autumn, but this Phillies catcher is red hot,” remarked Dr. Simon Ellway of University of Penn Laboratories. “It’s a phenomenon we’ve taken to calling ‘The Chooch Theorem.'”

“Like the earth for millions of years, Chooch was for a long time, a desolate ice ball,” Dr. Ellways explains, gesturing toward a picture of a wooly mammoth for some reason. “But in recent years, and more recently, the past two months, he was begun to heat at an alarming rate.”

In an age in which “planetary threats are at an all-time high,” Ellway has a variety of scenarios in which Chooch could pose a threat to humanity.

“He could go supernova at any moment,” he said. “With the right timing, he could help form a heat burst, if it were a night game, and a thunder storm were just ending. Or I guess he could just combust at some point. It’s just, he’s really increased in heat rapidly.”

In 173 plate appearances from April-June, Chooch did in fact struggle, helping to create a Phillies offense completely void of life.  Any small heat pockets were smothered by the deeply low temperatures and erased by double play grounders. But in the latter portions of the season, Chooch has seen his numbers expand dramatically – the .855 OPS is up 300 points from his OPS in April-June – but as the planet cools around him, this could spell trouble, or as Dr. Ellway put it, “…or something.”

With such a dynamic scientific theory, we were forced to seek out confirmation of Dr. Ellway’s fantastic hypothesis.

“Yes, I can confirm that Dr. Ellway was fired by the university several years ago for repeated attempts to shoehorn baseball-talk into his lesson plans, and also for selling lab equipment on craigslist to buy baseball cards,” says Dean Harold Keppinger.  “Also, he refused to shower.”