Jeff Mathis Still Reconnecting Body Parts to Self After Dom Brown Hit


Marlins catcher Jeff Mathis was exploded last night after Domonic Brown formed himself into a human missile and drove his body into Mathis as he attempted to block home plate.

Brown was safe, and that left today for Mathis to to collect the body parts blown off his body during the hit.

“I’ll tell you what’s been the hardest to find is the fingers” Mathis said this morning. Mathis, who at the moment is a head sitting on a torso, was upbeat as he attempted to get the attention of reporters who did not want to look him in the eyes, one of which was hanging out of the socket.

“Fingers are small, you see; but flimsy,” Mathis explained. “They fly right off during a hit like that.  And, well, the arms and stuff are all in a duffel bag in the Marlins clubhouse, so that’s okay.  But the umpire helped me look for, like, 45 minutes after the game. We decided maybe they flew into the stands and went home with some lucky fan.”

When asked why his other limbs remained in a bag and not on his body, Mathis explained that he had had a sitdown meeting with Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, who laid out that it was in the team’s best options to hold onto Mathis’ arms and legs until he had the money to re-compensate them fairly for collecting and housing them.

“It’s what’s right,” Mathis said, apparently agreeing with the often debated Loria. “If there’s anything anybody in south Florida knows, it’s that Jeffrey Loria has other people best interests at heart, whether it comes to baseball stadiums, entire communities, or parts of my body that flew off me during a play at the plate.  Plus, Mr. Loria told me if I came at them legally, I wouldn’t have a ‘leg to stand on.’ Then we all laughed as he high-fived his attorneys.”

Dom Brown expressed very little sympathy after the hit, and appeared more confused than anything.

“Seriously, is that guy all right?” he asked, leaning upward to see over a reporter’s shoulder. “Shouldn’t he be bleeding, or dying?  I feel like the human body can’t withstand the current condition he’s in.  I didn’t think I hit as hard as something that would really do that to a person, like a mail truck, or something.”

The Marlins took the hit in stride, however; most teammates of Mathis failed to notice that something was actually wrong with him.

“What?” Donovan Solano asked, a lost, dead look in his eyes.

The crowd at Citizens Bank Park appeared to cheer even louder because Brown’s hit decimated Mathis, raising more questions as to the integrity of Phillies fans. “Oh, that’s just the way they are here,” said former Phillie and current Marlin Greg Dobbs.  “Heck, they still boo me, but I deserve it, because I once played here, and now I don’t. I mean, the nerve of me!”

Mathis will not receive rehab, as Loria explained with a maniacal laugh that the Marlins rehab center would probably just execute him. “We have a lot of ‘doctors’ down there who would shoot first, ask questions later,” he said, without explaining what that meant.