Phillies Dig Claws Slightly Further into Chase Utley


So basically, we’re not actively shopping anyone, but if the right offer comes along, any one of you guys could go.

Thanks for attending this team meeting.  Team dismissed!

**aggressively grabs Chase Utley by the arm**

Jul 13, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Bats for Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Chase Utley (26) in the dugout before game one of a doubleheader against the Chicago White Sox at Citizens Bank Park. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Hey Chase.  Where are you going?  Sorry.  Just wanted you to know you’re not going anywhere.  I know you might have been pretty rattled at the thought of leaving Philadelphia, even for an instant, and I wanted to take this moment to put a firm grip on your awesome bicep and let you know that you and us will never be apart.

Isn’t that a fun thought?  To think about socking a dinger in a Phillies uni on your 37th birthday to bring a flailing young Phillies team within 12 runs in the 8th inning of a meaningless July game?  I can see it now; hot dogs all costing $6 because nobody wants to come sit in the sun and watch Alfonso Soriano limp through a wildly questionable two-year deal in center while Ben Revere sits on the bench, telling the press his experiment bionic foot surgery will be ready to test without exploding this time “any week now.”

Ah, the future.  And you’ll be a part of it.  Definitely.  You and Ryan can buy townhouses next to each other and watch each other’s kids on off days.  Won’t that be nice?  Soft-tossing to Ryan, Jr. and watching him swing and miss 40 times in a row at a loopy wiffle ball pitch while Chase, Jr. stands behind you at second, quietly shaking his head with the intensity of a newborn rabbit?

It’s nice to have things to look forward to, isn’t it, Chase?  You know people say I have a creepy smile.  I think it’s nice.  What do you think, Chase?

Right, sorry.  Gotta get to BP.  I understand.  Sorry if I left nail marks in your arm.  Ha ha ha.  Ha.

Boy he sure does always walk away fast from me.