What Michael Martinez Promotions Say About the Phillies


It shouldn’t have taken a humiliating 11-3 loss to the Cardinals to eliminate all hope for the Phillies, but it did.

Okay?  It did.  I don’t feel good about my thoughts, but that doesn’t stop me from having them.  Like a troubled youth, or serial killer.

The last out of the game was made by Michael Martinez, who we can see at far right, looking lost on the baseball diamond, having misplaced his cap.  You might be wondering what he’s even doing here.  Or, you’re not, and you’re just like, “I have to get to work.”

Jun 20, 2012; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies second baseman Michael Martinez (7) during the eighth inning against the Colorado Rockies at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Rockies 7-6. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies occasionally purchase tickets to the Michael Martinez Carnival of Baseball Horrors, usually under one of the following circumstances:

  • Someone is grievously injured
  • He sure plays a lot of positions
  • Oh, sh*t; there’s totally three catchers on the 25-man???
  • Sick joke
  • Front office BBQ goes out of control with the drunk dial
  • Better option than Erik Kratz in center

So, by willfully infecting themselves with Martinez, the Phillies are sending us a message. And after decoding that message it looks a little like this:

“just look away.”  [Only it’s cut out from magazine letters]

You don’t plug a guy like this into your roster unless you’re burning your files and hopping on the next flight.  Unless, you know, you factor in the last few years when the Phillies were successful and still let him into the locker room.

3 Yrs1403623303662322356.

That’s a .509 career OPS.

He seems like a friendly enough guy, but in the context of this season, the reintroduction of Michael Martinez is not a “ha ha oh man he’s terrible” thing, and more of a “*sigh* what are we even doing” sort of manuever.

Also, the page where I got those numbers from is funded by a guy who says he’s only doing it because Martinez looks like his cat.

Yes, this counts as a career highlight.