Phillies Almost Bought By An Internet Quadrillionaire


Phillies fans can only sit and think about what could have been.

You may have heard the story of 56-year-old Chris Reynolds of Media, who through a PayPal mistake this week was awarded $92,233,720,368,547,800 to his PayPal account.

That’s 92 quadrillion for those not familiar with what to call a number with 17 digits.

The stingy misers at PayPal took all that money back upon realizing their error, leaving Reynolds without the quadrillions that was nearly his.

On any given day, this would be a cute story. A fun little “slice of life” type chestnut about how a man was a quadrillionaire one minute, and a regular old Joe the next. However, in an interview with CNBC on Thursday, Reynolds was asked about what he would have done with the money had he been able to spend it faster.

This is where it gets real.

"“I would retire the national debt, I’m kind of a responsible guy, I feel a little bit of guilt over the debt. And then I’m going to buy the Philadelphia Phillies. So, the next time this money appears I’m going to act a little more quickly.”"

What could have been.

Unfortunately, the money nerds at CNBC didn’t think to delve into what kind of roster moves Reynolds would make if he had been able to purchase the team. Would he fire Ruben Amaro? Give him a contract extension? Would he go out and sign every single Cuban player in the world? Would he hire four more hitting coaches and find someone else besides Rich Dubee to teach bullpen pitchers how to pitch?

Would he make all concessions at Citizens Bank Park free? Would he shower the fans with $20 bills from the luxury suites every day? Would he put the keys to a new car underneath everyone’s seat?

The possibilities are endless.

Finally, the Phils would be able to give out crippling contracts to aging veterans like Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton, Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Howard without blinking an eye (oh wait… um… Howard… yeah, never mind). Finally the Phillies would be able to completely and totally outspend everyone else in baseball.

Maybe he could have even hired an analytics team. Nah, those pencil neck geeks don’t know how to calculate the cut of a player’s jib. Never mind.

Let’s face it. The average fan knows more about how to run this team than anyone inside baseball. All we needed was one little quadrillionaire to take the reigns and make everything alright.

Things never work out for us.