Phillies Fans Issue Counter-Apology to Roy Halladay


Phillies fans offered a response to injured legend Roy Halladay’s gutwrenching apology the other day, after several nights of staring at the ceiling and needlessly lashing out at co-workers.

May 8, 2013; San Francisco, CA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay (34) talks to the media before the game against the San Francisco Giants at AT

The apology was found on the doorsteps of Citizens Bank Park, next to a pristine, long-stemmed rose.

“Roy, stop,” it began, several other attempts at an opening hastily scribbled out.

“You don’t owe anyone anything you son of a bitch,” it continued, emotionally, barely readable in places where the paper had been tightly gripped in someone’s hand and severely crumpled as a result.  “When we think of all the times that you went out there and put an end to a losing streak or glowered menacingly at some cocky little upstart…”

Ink smears prevented any coherence for the next paragraphs, as if someone had begun to weep uncontrollably and confusingly used the letter as a tissue.

“…anaconda to death,” it picked back up.

“We used to have collective nightmares after 2011 that what if you had to retire without a World Series ring?  What if you chose to come here to win it all, and we couldn’t do it for you?  You’re just one man, Roy; one incredible man with an insatiable cutter.  You can’t do it alone.”

“You gave so much to this franchise in only a few years, and have gotten so little back.  There are now babies on earth because of what you did to the Reds in the 2010 playoffs.”

“Oh god,” it went on.  “This is terrible.”

The counter-apology continued for several dozen pages, most of them hilarious photo shops or crudely-drawn pictures of Roy and all the fans just hanging out, having a good time.  One seemed to illustrate a sequence in which Jose Reyes stole the fans’ ice cream cone and then Roy Halladay struck him out right on the spot, humiliating and emasculating Reyes in front of his family and friends.

“Nothing is over,” it concluded.  “Nothing.”

Roy Halladay is currently on the disabled list, serving a 15-day sentence because life is a cruel and merciless experience.