Phillies Website Really Nice About How Awful Phillies Catchers Are Right Now


Apr 6, 2013; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Phillies catcher Humberto Quintero (12) adjusts his face mask during the seventh inning against the Kansas City Royals at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies defeated the Royals 4-3. Mandatory Credit: Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

What a glorious time to be a Philadelphia Phillies catcher!

The whole operation is headed by Chooch, the lovable ace-handler with the unheralded offensive streak in his 33rd year.  Back by folk hero Erik Kratz and quad-A spring training legend Steven Lerud, Chooch sits atop a network of backstops mostly complimented throughout the game.

Down in the minors, we’ve got Tommy Joseph, from the Hunter Pence deal!  Sebastian Valle, from the World Baseball Classic’s Canada-Mexico brawl!  And Cameron Rupp, whose tastes are questionable!

It’s a bright future, maybe, for the Phillies behind the plate!  At the moment, though, things aren’t stellar.  The aforementioned Chooch is serving the last **checks watch** jeesuz, ten days?  Ten more days.  Still in double digits.  Really.  Okay.  Wow.

Anyways, Chooch is serving the next eternity as a suspension for taking adderall to stay focused while being the guiding light and deepest soul of the 2012 Phillies.  The last three guys are too young to bring up, and Quintero performed slightly better than Lerud in the preseason, though it seemed like a slim margin.

Regardless, these have been your 2013 Phillies catchers.

Erik Kratz


Humberto Quintero


That’s a combined zero walks and seven hits in almost 60 at-bats.  Throw in that Erik Kratz got excommunicated by Roy Halladay and this has all the markings of a banner year.

The Phillies’ official web site lists this squatting pair of disasters as “limited production,” which means that A). that was the nicest way they could come up with to say that and B). they ran out of positive headlines to run in regards to Phillies news on the Phillies’ own web site.

It’s still early, yes, but that’s just my point – how did this happen so fast?