Your Guide to the Phillies’ Home Opener

Phillies season is well underway, but Citizens Bank Park season begins this afternoon!

Guzzle that cheap parking lot beer, take another shot at the cornhole, and pack that tube sock full of batteries, you ridiculous sterotype!  It’s the Phillies Home Opener, and it’s time to figure out just what in the hell is going on here.

What in the hell is going on?

Wha… I just told… that was just a rhetorical introductory thing.  I didn’t think you needed to learn what was actually going on… did you sleep here?  In the parking lot?  Do you… live here?  I don’t think I’m supposed to talk to you.

They’re huggers, those Royals. David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

Who are the Royals?

What is this strange place, this… **consults enormous stack of papers**… American League Centralia?  From whence do these odd men dressed in their powder blues come?!  Whose names are these; the Francoeurs, Hochevars, and Moustakas?  Should we… should we throw garbage at them?  **Reaches into hideous aluminum trash can that has been dragged into the bleachers for this purpose exactly**

No, they are not a baseball-themed street gang here to cause trouble.  According to Mike Vamosi of Kings of Kauffman, “The Royals are a baseball organization from Kansas City, Missouri and not Kansas.”  Already, the 2013 home opener has been a raucously educational event.  “Fun fact, the team began play in 1969 and lost to the Phillies in the 1980 World Series.”

Wow!  The World Series!  The Royals probably have a chip on their shoulder, in that case.  Even after 33 years, that’s a wound you don’t forget.  Even after many, many subsequent wounds of varying brutality.  Maybe the MLB scheduling bot isn’t so bad after all.

Also, their mascot is Lappy, the Lion Who Uses His Royal Influence to Get Lap Dances.

What are the Royals doing here?

MLB just fell in love with Interleague play some years ago, so now they are trying to overdose on it by having it every day.  It is weird to see an AL team this early, but these are the times we live in.  Crazy.

“My guess is the teams are only playing because the great schedule gods drew the names out of the hat, thus meaning they’ve got to play over the weekend,” Vamosi explains.  We praise the schedule gods for being merciful and blessing us with the Royals, when there

are

is

many

one other AL Central team that is very good and could ruin our day.

The Phillies can falter against any team who remembers their pitcher, but fortunately the Royals are of the same breed; a breed that we may actually be able to defeat.

The Philly Inquirer’s Bob Brookover was not impressed by the match-up at all, growing borderline insulted.

“I’ve only been to Philly once (it was for the Dad Veil Regatta),” says Vamosi, “and somehow this doesn’t surprise me that they’d want another opponent. I wonder how this dude’s tune would change if KC happened to win the series? Again, an article like this doesn’t surprise me because of the suck streak the Royals are on.”

Who is pitching?

Kyle Kendrick, fucking something up. Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Kyle Kendrick, the mop-topped fellow who secures a spot on the roster every year by living in his locker during the offseason.  Kyle got here when he was young and burrowed in, knowing his average skill set would constantly be an obstacle for his using of the skill set.

The years that followed were filled with frightening rhetoric, usually aimed at Kyle, who seemed to make small amounts of progress, only to come out and get shelled in a comically absurd fashion.  Sometimes, it wasn’t even his fault.  Once, in 2011, Jason Giambi homered off of him three times in one game in a 7-1 loss.  Kendrick was dragged into Rittenhouse Square and ridiculed mercilessly, but he had only known he would be starting that game for about 20 minutes before he did (Joe Blanton got scratched due to elbow soreness).

Naturally, he will be our opening day starter.  But that’s not his fault, either.  All the other good pitchers have already had a turn.  And they doing their own bit of faltering.  Kyle, on the other hand, had an improved 2012 and could be a key player in any sort of Phillies success in 2013.

Or he could come out there today, trip, face plant, receive a disgusted head shake from Rich Dubee, and never recover.

See?  We’re already coming around to him.  All he has to do is be absolutely perfect and we won’t make snap judgments about how the rest of his year is going to go and how physically attractive his mother is.

On the other side for the Royals is Wade Davis, a 27-year-old right hander who is named after a Canadian anthropologist.  Davis was traded from the Rays this offseason, and hasn’t made a start since 2011.  He has already been pushed back on the schedule for shoulder problems like some sort of dorkus.

He is the second cousin of former MLB person Jody Davis, who I remember owning the baseball card of.  I believe he was in mid-jog.  I had, like, three of them.

What’s the weather like?

Sunny, with a 0% chance of precipitation.  The day will start at 61 degrees and quite pleasant, and presuming the game ends before the sun goes down, no one will be in danger of an evening chill or of all of the “Philadelphia” that happens in Philadelphia when the city is enveloped by darkness.

People to watch

“Hur hur hur dur.’ Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Jeff Francoeur

As a walking crime against baseball, the Royals outfielder and former “chosen one” is probably going to do something grotesque.  It’ll be funny.

Chase Utley

He just keeps doing wonderful things, and sometimes, he’s the only one.

Kyle Kendrick

He’ll be the guy covered in garbage if he makes a single mistake.

Cliff Lee

He’ll be in the dugout.  Probably smiling and telling jokes.  Or just chilling out.  Just a fun guy to look at and remember he is on your team.

Phanatic

Ha ha ha!  Look at him!

Look at him go! Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

So, how’s all this gonna go?

I don’t know.  Maybe clean yourself up, stop living in a parking lot, contact whatever family you have left, get a job, stop eating cats–

No, I mean the game

The game will be fine!  People will be excited, it’s a gorgeous day, the Phillies just won once so maybe they can do it again.  It’s really you I’m worried about.