Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports
It was a crazy afternoon yesterday; Phillies/Giancarlo Stanton rumors surfacing, being doubted, being considered, being debunked, and all the while a universe and hungry young Phillies enthusiasts turned on each other, as we normally do when there is a minute or two of tension.
But nobody had a more intense day than Strip Club With Stanton, who, if the rumors had proven true despite all odds, looked to lose more than anyone, except for Stanton himself. We sat down with SCWS (at two separate computers in different buildings) to discuss the previous day’s activity.
Whew! That was pretty crazy! One minute you’re sitting there and Giancarlo Stanton is calmly firing a pistol and the next, he’s being “aggressively” pursued. What was your initial reaction to having your namesake/livelihood potentially taken away? [I’m assuming here you make a standard blogger’s salary that keeps you well within the 1%] [#Rubio2016]
I was overcome with some strange emotions, actually, and none of them were anger. It’s kinda like when you find out your company is laying people off. Like, you’re not mad, because you know it’s not your fault, that the company is just floundering. You just kinda sit there pondering your next move. Zoo With Roy doesn’t need my help, so that was out of the question.
And it’s hard to write a blog about going to the strip club with Giancarlo Stanton when Giancarlo Stanton isn’t around anymore. So, I mean, I guess I was just preparing for life after blogging. Maybe become a mailman or something.
At this point, it seems that reality has set in and no one actually believes this thing is a thing. If there were to be some sort of offer, what do the Phillies have that could actually land them Giancarlo Stanton? Do they have any people the Marlins would really want? Or would this be a case of how much they could contribute to Jeffrey Loria’s next sex cruise?
Listen, here’s the thing: NOTHING the Phillies have is going to make this Poop-Flinging Monkeys (I refuse to use the M-word) team any better. So, eff it, give us the Phanatic and the rights to some Mike Schmidt highlights and we’ll call it even.
Who would be the highest caliber strip club companion if Stanton were to depart? Who would be the highest caliber Marlin? Who would be a Marlin?
This next question assumes I can name anyone on the team, aside from GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON. Is Logan Morrison still around? He is? God, I hate that guy.
What terrifying cataclysm do you think the media was distracting us from when that “secret trade information” was “leaked?”
I think, at this point, media in both cities is just actively fucking with fans for fun. There’s really nothing else to do, yanno?
This is the weather in Miami at 5 p.m. yesterday:
This is what Philadelphia looked like around the same time.
One of the first things Stanton would notice after getting off a plane to Philly is the city’s general horribleness and distaste for human life, as if man was never meant to live here. What kind of god would do that to a man?
GIANCARLO has played at Sun Life Stadium and Marlins Park. I think he’s probably used to horribleness and distaste for human life.
Give a quick breakdown of clownish antics would go down during negotiations between a resourceless Ruben Amaro and a scraping bottom Michael Hill.
Ruben Amaro: [calls Mike Hill]
Mike Hill: Hello?
Mike Hill: Fine, you can have Giancarlo, but I’m not giving up Nolasco.
Mike Hill: Fine, we’ll throw in Ricky. Send it in to the league.
Ruben Amaro: [hangs up]
Larry Beinfest: So, Mike, who’d we get?
Mike Hill: Wait… GODDAMMIT!