Ryan Howard Dares You to Call Phillies Old, Threatens to Febreze Jim Salisbury

Today was Ryan Howard’s turn for a press conference, and his inspiring words were even more inspiring than Roy Halladay’s, possibly because it is easier to remember them.

It was an eloquent, friendly Ryan Howard that greeted reporters, allowing people to remember how embarrassed they should feel for transitioning from hating his contract to hating him as a person.

PICTURED: Everything’s fine. Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

He did not approach the mic with a limp, he did not pretend he was eating smarties while actually popping meds, and he even called Michael Young “not too shabby,” leading the beleagured, elderly third baseman to pop a bottle of champagne.  It’s like he’s already hitting .250!

If players’ main jobs during the preseason with the press is to keep everybody confident enough to keep buying tickets, then Ryan followed Doc with success this afternoon.  There’s no clause about charisma in his contract, that we know of, so this stuff is coming out pro bono.  Of course, it’s easy to give everybody a blessing when the optimism of spring training is blinding our habitual fevered rage, but hey, look, the sun’s out!

Ryan also dealt with the questions that will be tossed at every Phillie player, all year long – is the window closed?  Are you too old?  Do you ever look in the mirror and hate yourself because of how old you are?

And he responded with diplomacy and excitement, as if the stigma was a challenge to be answered by bringing a baseball bat down on some antagonist’s feeble brain.  I mean, socking a dinger.

Everyone had a good laugh at Ryan’s “cool breeze” metaphor, which led to some off camera tomfoolery, which led to Ryan threatening to Feberze an off screen Jim Salisbury.  Cameras shut off then, presumably due to an incredibly vicious fight broke out.

Meanwhile, Kevin Frandsen was thrilled to see the Phillies remembered to get him some bats this year.