John Mayberry Suffering through Dense Layer of Psychological Denial


John Mayberry, the Phillies’ tallest outfielding option going into 2013, is reportedly suffering from a horrific level of denial and dementia, according to the team’s web site.

The Phillies are widely panned by critics and fans alike as a clueless enterprise, bumbling through the offseason making questionable acquisitions and mishandling players.  However, Mayberry is reportedly “excited” about the season and refers to his co-workers as “a great group of guys.”

No response was given to the rebuttal that some of those guys are the lumbering, ineffectual Layne Nix or the frantically immobile, historically bigoted Delmon Young. With subsequent comments, it was revealed that Mayberry is possibly unaware of which baseball players are even on the Phillies.

“I also think that mermaids real, to call back on a previous joke related to me,” Mayberry said. Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

“Jon Jay is a great guy,” Mayberry said, presumably as concerned team representatives looked on behind him.  The report also indicated that Mayberry is “excited” to see “how new teammates like Michael Young and Revere help get the Phillies back on track.”

Revere and Young were necessary additions to the roster, Revere moreso due to his youth and speed, but Young is seen as a stopgap in place to keep third base from being a gaping hole in the infield, which it pretty much still is.  Yet no one is truly “excited” to see what Young is capable of as an ill-advised “every day third baseman.”

“Excited?  Naw,” said Northern Liberties business owner Kyle Carson.  “Morbidly curious, sure.  Like when you’re looking out your window at night, and some one-legged homeless guy in a wheel chair is pushing himself down the middle of Broad Street, and you see the light at the intersection behind him turn green, and you’re just like, ‘Oh, boy. How is this gonna work out.’  It’s pretty much like that.”

Mayberry, it seems, does not see it that way.

“Sometimes being in new surroundings can be a spark for a player or a team. I’m looking forward to working with those guys and winning some ballgames,” the outfielder foolishly admitted.

This statement may be the closest thing to an explanation fans have received about the Phillies’ acquisitions, as the team seems to have put a lot of their eggs in the “new surroundings sparking a player or team” basket.