IronPigs Presume Your Loved One Desires Roses, Enormous Pork Slab with a Face

There’s no way you’re gonna screw up Valentine’s Day this year.

OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

There are some who argue Valentine’s Day exists merely as a bridge to the barren, joyless gap of midwinter melodrama; to make sure that the greyscale winter’s horizon is met with a fretful barrage of hot pink greeting cards, filling the pockets of hungry stationary executives.

Others embrace the spirit of the holiday, using it as an excuse to humiliate loved ones with public declarations of sexual intent.

The IronPigs understand this, and like any holiday, they believe this one could use some more anthropomorphic chunks of meat.

The ongoing theme of IronPigs baseball is pig-related puns, and from their endless stable of mascots comes Hambone, Diggity, Chris P. Bacon and now Barbie Q., the Pork Racers–enormous slabs of meat with ceaselessly grinning faces, or friendly hogs, both bent on bringing your significant other a gift of roses, vouchers for an IronPigs home game, $10 of IronPigs merch, and obviously, a couple of pig noses.

It’s the kind of thing that reminds us

why we’ve been meaning to break up with someon

e what the holiday is all about; grabbing the innermost feelings of those we care about the most and dragging them out to where they are most visible.

And also involving pig costumes, somehow, no matter the cost of dignity or a relationship.