NL East Infection: The Great Miami Pornbot Scandal


New York Mets

Don McPeak-USA TODAY Sports

All the news out of the Flushing camp comes in the form of David Wright–he’s gonna stay, he’s gonna play, he’s gonna get paid.  It’s the sort of formula the Mets’ front office is used to watching happen to their players when they join other clubs.

But no, this time it was the Mets who won out; they even made him come down to Nashville and put a Mets jersey on in case he forgot which team had signed him, and that he hadn’t joined another, better team, or “escaped” as it is commonly referred.

Wright will be a Met through 2020, giving him more money than any Met before him–$138 million–and has already celebrated the agreement by doing David Wright things, like donating $250,000 to charity like some kind of extremely rich, social conscious gentleman who is actually quite irritatingly handsome.  So rich is his moral fiber, he spent most of a golf outing getting deep answers out of Sandy Alderson, which we learned from an almost baseball-less baseball article in a business magazine:

"“Instead of focusing on signing bonuses, incentives and player options, Wright’s queries were directed towards the team dynamic.He wanted to receive an all encompassing view of the farm system and its direction, Alderson’s philosophies on building the franchise going forward, what to expect from free agency and the types of trades that he was considering that would help improve the overall quality of the ball club. Wright also made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want his contract negotiations to hurt the Mets and his teammates.He didn’t want any wedge to develop between him and the franchise and requested that all negotiations remain private.”—Wayne G. McDonnell, Forbes"

It is honorable for Wright to stick with the Mets, though he is totally within his rights to assume they will make a series of fart noises and collapse in a dumb heap on the sidewalk.

Atlanta Braves

The Braves have employed Fredi Gonzalez through 2014, and they haven’t even seen the comically awful way their 2013 season will end.

Josh D. Weiss-USA TODAY Sports

Daniel Shirey-USA TODAY Sports

The trend will presumably continue, but the Braves are confident that Gonzalez will be the man to break that trend.  After also being the one to start it.  Perhaps they find themselves enchanted by his positive attitude, which recently had him refer to the Braves as favorably as “pretty good.”  That is some inspiring rhetoric from a fireball of a man.

His relentless confidence is no doubt brought on by key additions like B.J. Upton, whose ravishing lifetime batting average of .255 was worth $75 million to the Braves; or Reed Johnson, who is also still around for reasons that are certainly reasons.

Elsewhere, Chipper Jones has wasted no time fattening up and moving onto his next wife.

Washington Nationals

The Nationals impressed everyone two years ago when they dropped $126 million on Jayson Werth, proving once and for all that they were serious contenders in the east.  He proceeded to hit .232 with a career high in strikeouts.

But that was 2011!  2012 opened up a new Jayson Werth, as well as a new Nationals.  They signed people, they promoted people, they won the division decidedly and then got emotionally blasted by the Cardinals in the first round of the playoffs, like any other normal NL East team.

Terrified that people would stop paying attention to them and reeling from their hilariously scarring defeat, the Nats thought it best to keep up their financial sideshow, and gave Dan Haren $13 million for a single year of services.

People now seem more confused than impressed by the Nationals, who will remain extremely competitive, thanks to the addition of center fielder Denard Span that will give them the best outfield in the division.

So curious were their competitors, the Nationals found their farm system raided by Rule 5 bandits.  Which, if considered even a slight problem by the team, will have millions and millions of dollars thrown at it.

Miami Marlins

“Fuck this shit, I’m out.” Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

The biggest Marlins news this week was that famed blogger Boobies ‘N Stanton actually was communicated with by Giancarlo Stanton, who accused him of being a pornbot.

Meanwhile, people continue to write articles about the Marlins to talk about how confused they are.  Their new manager, Mike Redmond, is accustomed to the sort of baseball hate crimes surrounding him after being an accomplice in the 64-98 “crime against the game” Marlins of 1998.

Fortunately, the team is hanging their hope on a traditionally reliable source:  the prospects they stole in the Rule 5 Draft.  Sure, it’s a draft built around the idea that some guys are just a change of scenery away from blowing up.  But to find out that the scenery in question is the Miami farm system, and their best case scenario being a roster spot with the Marlins, they would probably prefer actually, literally blowing up.

So no, he’s not a pornbot.