Hysterical Phillies Ink Humberto Quintero for Catching Purposes


With almost nowhere else to turn, a mumbling, incoherent, red-eyed, probably intoxicated Phillies brass  picked up the phone on Tuesday night and told a confused Humberto Quintero that they had a catching job for him.


The self-damaging state of mind came about after Chooch… he… made some mistakes, and he… he’s not coming home for a while, and I WILL DRUNK DIAL EVERY CATCHER IN THIS PHONE BOOK TO FILL THE VOID I’m sorry did I scream that so loudly the cat woke up and ran itself into the wall unconcious?

Look, we knew… we all knew… that this nightmare scenario wasn’t going to be an opportunity for some hot catching prospect or allow space for some key signing with money we just had lying around.  No, this was going to be a gritty little chore for some assistant GM to complete without drawing too much from the ‘free agent center fielder’ pool.

So now there’s some kind of Erik Kratz/Humberto Quintero/Steven Lerud cocktail being thrown together to cover 2013’s first 25 games behind the plate.  Quintero, seen here asking Luke Hochevar “Say whaaaaaaaat?!” has barely been able to get his OPS over .600 in the past six years with Houston and Kansas City and, despite being the same age as Chooch, did not have the impossible, some might say magical, 2012 of a Carlos Ruiz to make him look any sort of appealing.

The former #19 prospect of the Padres’ farm system was part of a recording setting season in San Diego when he was one of eight starting catchers used by the team in 2004.

So, he’s like a… guy… I guess.

**Notices framed picture of Chooch on desk, slowly knocks it to the floor**

Now as long as there are no other things, we can start convincing ourselves that this Wilton Lopez signing is pretty exciting or that B.J. Upton is coming to save us.