NL East Infection: “WE ALL HAPPY WITH THE WAY THAT THIS ENDED?!” he screamed


Washington Nationals


Everybody loves Mike Rizzo, apparently, as he strutted confidently around the corridors of that famous building in Indian Wells, receiving handshakes and pats on the back and all sorts of human contact that Mike Rizzo obviously deserves.  Hey, it’s only fair; the Nationals won more times in 2012 than ever before, made the playoffs, and used their newfound skill to force rivalries on people.  And it’s not like Rizzo doesn’t have this GM’ing business down.

"“We’re open for any or all type of situations that help us get better.”—Mike Rizzo"

Hey now, that certainly is a thing that you can say.  Rizzo at least got through the prologue of the Official GM Handbook, and look what happened; his team made the post season!  Can you imagine what will happen when he gets to the chapter on not freaking out and benching your best pitcher?

Things are still going great for the Nats, though; they may not have any post season hardware, they are piling up individual awards–Adam LaRoche won a Silver Slugger, Ian Desmond won a Sliver Slugger, Stephen Strasburg won a Silver Slugger, Davey Johnson and Bryce Harper are front runners in Manager of the Year and Rookie of the Year, and Johnson’s new contract is being finalized as we speak.

So if the wanted, they could just melt all those down, mold them together, and make their own World Series trophy!

Yeah!  That’s what we’ll do!

Atlanta Braves

The election is over, and the country needs to live with the results.  Those on the victorious side may enjoy the fruits of their labor as the fantasy they imagined takes shape.  Those opposers, still wailing and clawing at the walls, will be forced to lived in a dismal apocalypse as their world collapses around and on top of them.

But it is simply the new reality after voters decided on Tuesday that they were not willing to pay higher property taxes just so the Braves could move their Single-A affiliate to Wilimington, North Carolina.  For some reason, the Braves are trying to escape the iconic Lynchburg, Virginia setting where the lower levels of their farm system currently reside; and had hoped to be gone by 2015.  But those pesky Wilmingtonians really screwed up the process by not seeing the appeal in front row seats to the development of Braves prospects over the years; and thusly, the Braves can’t move forward with the $37 million plan to build a new stadium on the Cape Fear River.

Part of the Braves’ plan is to also never have a minor league team anywhere without a horrifying name.

Meanwhile, Michael Bourn has elected not to play for the Braves anymore, probably, by shaking off their qualifying $13.3 million offer in hopes of getting a ludicrous amount of money wheelbarrowed to his house on the open market.

New York Mets

Chances are good that Jason Bay did not hit that home run. Anthony Gruppuso-US PRESSWIRE

A lot of contract news out of Flushing these days!  Jason Bay is about to hit the open market, but not in the good way like Michael Bourn.  No, he will be doing it in a far more depressing, “Jason Bay” type of way in that the team he plays for doesn’t want him to play for them anymore and Jason feels very similarly about the situation.

Bay sat across from the Mets at a meeting in Indian Wells, everybody just staring at the ground, shaking their heads.  One of the less self-aware team execs slurped his coffee.  Bay scratched his head, wishing the team would just say what they’re gonna say and get it over with.

“Look, Jason, we realize there’s another year left on this thing,” one of the execs said, pulling the wrinkled, booze-soaked contract that he carried with him everywhere as a reminder of his failings out of his jacket pocket.  “But we are prepared to–”

Jason grabbed the contract and ripped it in half.

“There.  See?  We all happy now?  WE ALL HAPPY WITH THE WAY THAT THIS ENDED?!” he screamed.

The Mets bowed their heads in awkward shame and Jason kicked a chair across the room before heading out the media to give a statement in the hallway.

“Jason, wait,” the Mets said.  “We should… we have to write the press release…together.”

So for one last horrible hour, Jason Bay and the Mets sat together and penned an approriate version of the exchange that had just occurred to give to their friends in the media.

"“I still feel I have plenty to give to this game and that I can play baseball at a high level. But after serious consideration, both sides agree that we would benefit from a fresh start.”—Jason Bay"

Hopefully Jason didn’t pass R.A. Dickey on his way into his own negotiations, which are going quite well.

Miami Marlins

Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

The Marlins have a new manager, and his name is Mike Redmond.  Outside of him, the locks for the 2013 Opening Day Marlins are: Jose Reyes, Giancarlo Stanton.  No one else has a guaranteed position, or even a guaranteed place on the roster.  Which would make for turbulent, exciting times in the Marlins fanbase, if they hadn’t just gone through a massive reconstruction last year.  That’s usually not a thing that should be happening consecutively.

Redmond was a choice in a different direction, as the Fish turned to a name that wasn’t just the next hot ticket item theorized by sports network.  He’s former Marlin himself, and a minor league coach, around whom the team plans to build something; only this time, a championship caliber team, not a frightening sculpture in the outfield.

Also being built is the rest of the team.  As stated, if the season started today, Redmond would not have much of a team to manage outside of Reyes and Stanton.  The important thing is, the Marlins have avoided that primal instinct to run around screaming, flailing their arms with their hair on fire.

Well played, Marlins.