Phillies Confirm That They Will Hire Someone to Play Center Field in 2013

New player to be strategically placed somewhere between right and left fielders

“NO JOHN DON’T LAPSE INTO A MADNESS COMA.” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

We have reached the point of the year when the Phillies’ lead protagonist stops being the players on the lineup card and becomes one solitary figure, donned in a slick suit and constantly holding up a finger to answer his buzzing phone.

In the midst of a lawsuit, Ruben Amaro flew to Peoria, AZ to watch his prospects shine in a 10-7 win; and then, as Jim Salisbury described, cooed openly at a text message.

Nobody gets into Amaro’s inner sanctum this time of year, or in other times of the year, but of course, this is when the most mystery exists about his plans.  As the central figure in every narrative, we can’t help but pound his door, demanding answers… knowing the best we can hope for is a patronizing smirk in response.

But one thing we are all very aware of is our holes, one of which being in center field, where John Mayberry I believe was left to fend for himself this winter, wandering about the outfield’s fresh snow, clutching himself for warmth, and burning his glove in order to adequately cook the pigeon he hunted down and snared.

Fortunately, Amaro was able to–boarding and deplaning a mid-flight conference call–let out a brief breath of clarity for the peons.

"“Ideally, Amaro this offseason would like to add a centerfielder who can drive in runs and play good defense…”–Jim Salisbury“It’s one of our priorities.”–Ruben Amaro"

There are also things like offensively capable third basemen and late inning relievers to consider, but why waste time considering those when the outfield free agent class is so robust with high profile talent!  Josh Hamilton!  Michael Bourn!  B.J. Upton!  Angel Pagan!  These are all guys with known risks in signing to long, foolish contracts, and the endless scroll of a deal Amaro must be itching to give out wouldn’t be the wisest move.

But here I am, talking like some sort of analyst, using players’ names, and knowing who the GM is!  Like I said, the important thing is that Amaro plans to hire a center fielder.  Would have been pretty embarrassing to just a half-starved John Mayberry out there, sick with Pigeon Cough, and cackling at a fly ball and trying to “stomp the devils out of it,” his mind long ravaged by isolation and pigeon meat.