NL East Infection: Parental Guidance Suggested


New York Mets

“I mean, I’d consider leaving if they signed fucking A-ROD or something, but, pffftt….” Steve Mitchell-US PRESSWIRE

The Mets are “focused on keeping David Wright,” according to the East Idaho News.  This could be a reiteration of their intentions from the past few months, or it could be that the news of the Mets wanting to keep David Wright has only recently reached East Idaho in the hands of a Pony Express rider weighed down by his satchel of potato peelers.

There’s not much more they can do to pledge their love to their third baseman, outside of flowers or leaving the heads of squirrels on his front doorstep.  But it’s the Mets; so it’s not as if any of this comes easy, even if it seems logical.

Of course, now that everybody’s got A-Rod on the brain, the Mets will be more than happy to consider the gutless assclown they’ve spent years despising as their high-paid All-Star/post season ghost.  It’s A-Rod!  I’m pretty sure he’s the deputy mayor of New York anyway.  Deputy Mayor of ladies.  Right?  Right?  Yeah.

He’s a bit sexier than the other free agent returns the Mets are considering.

Miami Marlins

The season well closed for the Marlins, it’s startling how well they’ve all assimilated to not playing baseball.

Get this, though–there’s a disgruntled, headline-making, high-priced, blockbuster All-Star free agent whose spinning the rumor mill, and a Miami sports franchise is interested!  Of course, according to the internet, everyone is, so making sure which o these stories is news and which is just fancifully spouted conjecture is everyone’s top priority.  Isn’t that right, Yankees GM Brian Cashman?

"“I have had no discussions whatsoever with the (Miami) Marlins.  Certainly would never have any trade discussions under the circumstances. I certainly have not had any discussions with any GMs other than the pregame meetings with Dan Duquette with the Orioles, with the umpires and then with Dave Dombrowski (of the Tigers).”–Brian Cashman"

I see.  Well, I think if we… analyze these statements a bit, maybe switch some words around or purposefully misunderstand something, maybe that would leave the door open for–

"“But I’ve had no trade discussions, so false. One hundred percent false.”–Brian Cashman"

Okay?  Okay.  Sorry.  I didn’t realize… you had more to… okay.

Well, if that explanation from Cashman was still enough for Jeffrey Loria to call A-Rod “Mr. Miami,” then I’m pretty sure the rest of us can look forward to penciling in another hour long ESPN special to see where a guy most people hate for being so rich and talented and also kind of an asshole will be playing.

Atlanta Braves

Moving along!

Washington Nationals

“Dang it, ma!” Brad Mills-US PRESSWIRE

In a way, the Nationals are the most attractive team to talk about right now, because they’re the only ones in this division not picturing their lineup with A-Rod in it.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re still the most self-congratulatory fanbase out there, finding any way to twist the heartbreaking end of their season into an optimistic mission statement for the future, and thusly patting themselves on the back for being so classy and nice.  It doesn’t help that Adam LaRoche’s parents sent a letter to the Washington Post applauding Nats fans for not “going Atlanta” on the team after the final loss of the playoffs and hurling garbage onto the field.

But even that perfect Nats fanbase that came to games all season long, selling out Nationals Park in eternal support of their team, filling the seats, clogging the trains, and transforming what was once a vacant house at the end of the block into a thunderous vessel to the post season–where is the sarcasm font button–can’t decide how they want to play this one.

Do they stay here, and talk about how no World Series in 2012 was good enough for them?  Or do they start muttering about how anything less than a World Series in 2013 is unacceptable?  Because the most important thing, remember, is to not do anything that indicates you have negative emotions, ever.  Now that’s class.