Chipper Jones to be Apparently Celebrated for Ruining Everything All the Time



Chipper Jones arrives in Philadelphia for hopefully the last time today, setting off a weekend of things he will do for the last time in Philadelphia, hopefully.

Chipper Jones, a grown man named “Chipper,” is a 17-year vet of the game, having played all of his career in Atlanta.  Attending Bolles School in Jacksonville, FL as a teenager, Chipper watched as his team incompetently dropped a championship game in the final innings to close out his senior year.  Afterward, being a natural quitter, he gave up on his dreams of being a pitcher despite 100 strikeouts and an ERA under 1.00.

The first overall draft pick in 1990, Chipper moved swiftly through the ranks of the Braves’ farm system, in which like 3/4 of the teams are called “the Braves.”  His immaturity showed as he somehow got involved in a benches-clearing fracas that also included Manny Ramirez and somehow Jim Thome.

Realizing that Thome was actually a positive influence on the game, Jones begged for forgiveness by burrowing up into Thome’s colon for the remainder of his career, taking any opportunity he could to remind everyone that they were friends and should be compared to each other.

After cheating on his wife for a year and a half with a Hooters waitress and producing a child, Chipper got divorced in 1997.  His hobbies include deer hunting, releasing wine to benefit children with disabilities, and knowing what today’s happy hour specials are at Hooters.

As he’s traveled from stadium to stadium on his “…for the last time 🙁 🙁 :-(” tour, teams have handed over parting gifts while giving Chipper the opportunity to tip his cap to a crowd that probably hates him.

We had hoped the Phillies would avoid such tripe, but it seems that they have organized some kind of pre-game thing involving Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley.  Having watched the same scenario unfold last year with Bobby Cox, it seems the Braves won’t be happy until every season is a forced universal celebration of one of their sniveling icons.

So today, instead of celebrating something honorable like the anniversary of Steve Carlton surpassing Bob Gibson’s NL record for career strikeouts with a 12-K performance against the Expos in 1981, we “celebrate” the final appearance of a man in Philadelphia who has never been in a Phillies uniform and has actively worked against everyone who has been for the last 17 years.