NL East Infection: A Real Bunch of Cut-ups!


Miami Marlins

As Marlins writer/strip club enthusiast SCWS told us yesterday, the Marlins have called up catching prospect Rob Brantly “…because it means we’re that much closer to seeing exactly what kind of hot garbage the Tigers gave us this time around.”

Well, you know what that means.  When a young kid comes up to the Majors to begin auditioning for a role on next year’s squad because this year has gone horribly, you know there’s gonna be some good-natured ribbing!

  • Carlos Lee made fun of his catching helmet!
  • Other players made him lift up shirt so they could laugh at his abdominal muscles!
  • Ozzie Guillen told him he would receive “plenty of playing time!”

It was a real bonkers day for the Marlins, certainly, but when game time rolled around, it was time to get serious and lose 4-0.

What the Miami Herald calls “tomfoolery” was over… for now.

"“From what I hear, there’s a lot more to come.”–Rob Brantly"


Washington Nationals

Setting up for their first playoff run in franchise history, the Nationals suffered a devastating blow when starter and rookie phenom Stephen Strasburg became stricken with injury and unable to play for the remainder of the season.  Except instead of that or any reason, the Nationals are shutting down Strasburg after 180 innings–including the playoffs.

Okay, there’s a reason.  It’s that they are worried about the little guy.  He’s only 24, he’s coming off Tommy John surgery, he’s got his whole life ahead of him, and there’s no reason to ruin all that life by sticking the lad in the middle of something as mundane and life-threatening as an MLB playoff race.

And hey, it’s not like he’s even the best pitcher on the team!  Some would argue Jordan Zimmerman has been better.  With one player better than him on the team, obviously, the Nationals can afford to remove him entirely.  Besides, he’s only up to 133 innings!  All they have to do is have him pitch one inning every start, and he’ll be nice and fresh for October!

See?  This plan makes total sense.  I mean it’s not like good players aren’t good 100% of the time.

New York Mets

I would like to welcome the New York Mets to the Assembly of NL East Teams Who Are Looking Toward the Future and by Insinuation Giving Up on the Present.

Yes, it seems the Mets are finally low enough, while still being higher than us, to consider 2012 a wash and start dreaming of how their roster of low ceiling space-fillers could succeed in the coming years, thanks to small and/or massive, irreversible changes.

That doesn’t mean they can’t start the “bad team” tradition of passionate campaigning for individual players to win awards!  R.A. Dickey for Cy Young!  Johan Santana for Comeback Player of the Year!  Scott Hairston for Off the Team!  Terry Collins for Managerial Epiphany of the Decade!

"“I think winning games are important.”–Terry Collins"

For us, and the Mets, and don’t forget the Marlins, because you totally did forget the Marlins, the offseason begins today.  And that is very exciting.  As long as you had no playoff hopes prior to the season.  In which case this is incredibly disappointing.

Atlanta Braves

Braves fans like their chances in the home stretch, which is fun, because the home stretch last year ended with them going home for quite a stretch.

But this year, with expanded playoffs and stellar play, the Braves will most likely see the playoffs, if you consider the one game Wild Card playoff “the playoffs.”  Exciting times in Braves country!  Why, they haven’t even won the division 14 times in a row in years.

So excited are the Braves that their announcers are threatening to beat up fans on the air.  Broadcaster Joe Simpson was mistaken on Twitter for the Joe Simpson, father of Jessica, who was arrested on DUI charges, and boy, he did not like what he heard.

If you enjoy people interrupting baseball games to react emotionally to the disparaging of their character and the  awkward silences that follow, then you will get a real kick out of this.  If not, I would suggest having a listen to every other broadcast in the history of baseball, in which that does not happen.