In Ironic Twist, Jonathan Papelbon Literally Chokes Man


"“He just went, ‘Aggggh,'” [Papelbon] said, mimicking a choking sound.–Todd Zolecki"

Several nights after choking up a lead in the bottom of the ninth to the Mets, Phillies closer Jonathan Papelbon reached out with his bare hands to choke a man who had leaped into the bullpen.

As the team sinks lower and lower in to last place, one-man protests should become more common as fans try to climb onto the field to have, quiet, rational debates with the players themselves regarding their futures with the team and the city.

Fortunately, the true reason Papelbon is making $50 million to help usher in the next era of Phillies futility is that he is also working a part time gig as team bouncer/choke artist.  Literally, remember, so that’s not an insult.

What the victim in question was trying to talk about, we may never know, but we can rest assured knowing he was probably trying to make a productive point of some kind.

“Agggggh,’ of course, being a far cry from “OH GOD NO PLEASE MY FAMILY IS WATCHING.”  

Had Papelbon hesitated much longer, the fan would have triggered the infamous, frequently nightmared Armored Phanatic division: the metallic, slant-eyed, spear-toting mech-assault vehicles that burrow up from the center field dirt.  It’s been reported that their software cores have been updated with a “Capture” cell to cut down on grisly, horrifying deaths on the outfield grass.

Remember that time they caught that streaker and delayed the game for two hours while they slowly surrounded and toyed with him as he bled to death in front of everyone.

I don’t like the Armored Phanatic division.