Top Draft Picks Successfully Seduced by Allure of Phillies Baseball


Education is such a silly thing.

They sit you down in a classroom when you’re all hungover, and lets face it, they probably are too.  Then they read aloud from a book of mystery that no one ever understand, and you scramble to keep it all organized for about two weeks before realizing you’re better off unconscious.  Then your parents are like “Where are your grades, etc.,” and you’re like, “Grades are for class photos,” and they’re like, “What?” and you’re like, “You know, like, a class photo in a yearbook will have what grade it’s showing written above it?  ‘Grade?’  They’re… they’re for ‘class photos.’  It’s a play on… on words, I guess,” and they’re like, “That’s stupid, and barely makes sense.  Maybe if you had a better education you could tell jokes like that.  But you’ve changed ever since we let you deal drugs out of the house.”

So you can see why people would see the whole thing as a silly experience.  Recently, it was the Phillies who had to convince their top three drafted prospects just how silly education can be, and that Phillies baseball can provide all the things that a college education doesn’t, like a uniform and a hat.

c/o Phinally Philly

RHP Shane Watson, RHP Mitch Gueller, and OF Dylan Cozens all signed on the dotted line, in the bodily fluid of Ruben Amaro’s choosing.  11 others from various round were also brought in, turning their backs on verbal commitments and firm handshakes with college officials.

Watson, the team’s top pick, was given a deal so secretive not even the press was allowed to know it.  And we all know how close the Phillies’ front office is with the press.  The starter used a fastball-curve-change-up arsenal to K 79 in 53 innings last season, and now, they’re teaching him a cutter.  They’re putting a knife in his hands.

And so, he will be surrounded in protective energy from the Phillies’ sorcerers, and transported to Philadelphia, where they will show him off to the team and the management, before being championed down to join the Gulf Coast League Phillies on a chariot pulled by everyone on the disabled list.