What better time to run into a team then when they’ve just completed the greatest month in their franchise history? The Phillies play the Marlins tonight, and as usual, we turn to Strip Club with Stanton to answer our deep, penetrating questions. About baseball. And racism.
Obviously the Marlins ground crew and rain are natural enemies. I see the retractable roof that cost hundreds of millions of dollars was recently outsmarted by rain. How much of a blow is this to the franchise as a whole?
Well, they’d never admit it publicly, because the people who run this organization always like to believe that they’re the smartest people in the room, but make no mistake, being outsmarted by the elements? This a huge blow to the fragile psyches of the men upstairs.
In fact, Jeff Conine told me recently that David Samson was so perturbed by the roof’s lack of professionalism, he insisted it be sent down to AAA New Orleans. When I asked Samson about the situation, he angrily responded, “At least Heath Bell tries to do his job. All that money we gave that stupid roof and it just sat there and did nothing. Rain was pouring down…and nothing. Unacceptable.”
"“Some of those basketball players [on the Heat] look like the mannequins you see at Sports Authority.”—Giancarlo Stanton"
Is this comment racist? I can’t tell. A follow-up: Why is Giancarlo Stanton so racist?
There’s no doubt about it.
That Giancarlo Stanton comment is as racist as a black man drinking grape soda, strutting down the street with a boombox on his shoulder, past a Mexican guy who’s mowing the lawn of a Jewish lawyer, who’s talking on the phone with his Asian accountant. Now that I think about it, maybe I should just change the name of the blog to I Want To Attend A Klan Meeting With Giancarlo Stanton.
The Marlins recently became the latest team to bow down before almighty hot dog conglomerate Kayem Foods, following the paths of the Jaguars, Rays, Lightning, and Florida State. How does it feel to be merely the most recent foothold in their march to food dominance?
I’m not nearly as picky about my hot dogs as I am about my mustard, so I’m actually pretty okay with the Kayem Foods World Domination Tour. As long as the Marlins don’t begin forcing that godawful golden mustard down my throat, there won’t be any problems.
I saw the Marlins referred to as “The Most .500 Team Ever.” It was a very long article and I did not read it. After setting a club record with 20 wins in May, are the Fish done with their five hundred-ing?
I love Michael Jong, I really do, but when he dies, that should probably go on his tombstone: “It was a very long article and I did not read it.” As for the Marlins .500-ness, I don’t think you can ever count them out.
I mean, sure they just won, like, 52 games this past month, which probably sets a record of some sort, but let’s not forget that they also lost 133 games in one month last year. So, yeah, I can totally see them finishing 93-93 this year. (Those numbers are all 100% accurate. I had my fact-checker look into it.)
All teams in the NL East are currently expected to regress or improve in the coming weeks. Who emerges as the best about average team in the division?
Probably the Phillies, because that’s kind of how life works. It gives the little guys just enough hope to feel like anything’s possible, then it yanks the rug out from under them and poops in their mouth. For proof, just look at the landmark case of Me v. My Career (2007).
One thing’s for certain, it’s obviously not going to be the Mets, because God hates obnoxious New Yorkers, just like the rest of us.
The favorite baseball team of Florida was decided in a recent poll to be the Yankees. Discuss.
God dammit, LeBron…