NL East Infection: WE ARE IN CONTROL


Washington Nationals

"“A goon squad is a group of thugs or mercenaries, commonly associated with anti-union or pro-union violence.” –Wikipedia"

The Nationals-Phillies conflicts of 2012 have been highly indicative of one thing:  The Nationals’ inferiority complex.

As the division champs of the past five years, obviously we are the team to beat.  The Nationals feel as though they are finally a team that can beat us.  But their comments and strategies in not only winning on the field, but irritating us off of it, seem to portray them more less as the New Kid in Town and more like the New Kid in Town Who Dresses Up in Our Clothes and Talks to Himself in the Mirror.  And so, this trend continues with the Nats broadcasting booth.  Known for their hilarious homerism, the Nats announcers have taken to calling Washington’s effective bench players “The Goon Squad,” a term traditionally used to define a group of guys who beat, bloody, and murder folks to get their point across.

I ask you, Nationals:  Is this the example you want to send our children?  That violent criminals are the kind of people to respect and use as novelty nicknames?

You all seem so eager to point out the vile, disgusting, and violent nature of Philly’s worst fans, yet here you are, advocating the very practice of attacking and enforcing the rules of a corrupt union.  Is this another step in the process of becoming Philadelphia?  Or are you merely mindless hypocrites?


New York Mets

A guy came into where I work yesterday.  He saw my Phillies hat as he was leaving.

“Hey, I’m real sorry about what my Mets did to the Phillies,” he said, already halfway out the exit, like a coward.

“I strongly doubt the sincerity of your apology!” I shouted back, hurling a roll of quarters that exploded when it hit the door behind him.

Yes, the Mets and their fans are getting a little big for their britches these days.  Which is easy to do, when anything more than sitting in the dark, wailing in agony is better than they deserve.  But not only have they avoided last place for most of the season, they have also been awarded the 2013 MLB All-Star Game, so everyone can travel to scenic Flushing, NY for some good old fashioned fleeing in terror from stray dogs.

In celebration of their re-calibration of the outfield walls to encourage the shutting up of players who complain about how hard it is to hit there, the Mets will host all of the league’s finest players for the first time since 1964.  If you combine the victory of Mr. Met in the “Top Mascot” competition, the All-Star Game venue selection, and the avoidance of fifth place, the Mets are already having a better season than most of the Mets that came before them.  Isn’t that right, Mayor Bloomberg?

"“I’m counting on a Subway Series this year.” –NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg"

Congratulations, New York!  Assuming Bloomberg is referring to a World Series between the two New York teams, not a Series of Horrific, Urine-Soaked Crimes on the Subway.

Atlanta Braves

The Braves are very busy this time of year, jockeying for first place with the Washington Nationals in a sentence that’s become more ridiculous with every word I’ve added to it.

They’ve been so busy, in fact, that they’ve started forgetting some pretty important stuff! For instance, the Braves are in the middle of planning a stadium for a new minor league team to play in.  Problem is, they forget to pick where the stadium would go!  D’oh!

Then, they let Tyler Pastornicky hit leadoff!  Ha ha what?!

And then, they decided to have a rivalry with the Marlins!  Except they forgot to include drama, intensity, personal vendettas, or anything that would make it a more interesting baseball game than normal!  Whoops!

So it’s a pretty absent-minded period for those Braves right now, I’d say!  In fact, I’d wager this is the worst era of Braves baseball that’s ever happened!  And I’m barely paying attention!

Miami Marlins

Unlike the Mets, the Marlins are refusing to buckle under the pressure of crappy offense and move their fences in.  Despite Kirk Gibson grumbling during a recent visit to Miami, the team and its owners have no wish to transform their pitcher-friendly home into a dinger magnet.

"“Here’s how we built it: We want it to be pitcher-friendly, but fair to hitters who get all of it. No cheapies. If you get it, we want it to go.” –Marlins President David Samson"

“If anything, we’ll move the walls out further.  I’ll be damned if I’m gonna get Kirk Gibson tell me what to do.  I am so sick of that footage of his home run on all the ‘MLB’s Top Moments’ lists.  In fact, we’re gonna get the guy who built the home run sculpture to invent some robot dolphins to swat potential opposing team home runs away from the fence with their tails.  You hear me?  YOU HEAR ME, KIRK GIBSON?!”

*Takes another swig of hand sanitizer*

“And if I hear one more of you make some joke about that sculpture, I will send our squad of robotic, offense-smothering fish monsters to your house to do unspeakable things!  They do anything I say!  WE ARE THE MARLINS!  WE ARE IN CONTROL!  When you build a stadium, you can make it as awful as you’d like, but this one is MINE!  Well, technically, it belongs to the fish monsters since they’ve turned this franchise into a puppet regime with me as the human liaison to the public.  YOU BOW BEFORE OUR AQUATIC BETTERS, HUMANITY.”

*Hurls handfuls of money into enormous aquarium, where confused fish bump against the glass in a state of horrified delirium*