Carlos Ruiz Leaves us Alone with Brian Schneider


Brian Schneider is a catcher who can catch the ball.  His at-bats end with collective sighs of disgust.  His voice is surprisingly high pitched.  For a time, it was believed he somehow made Vance Worley better.  He doesn’t.

But he can catch the ball, and knows how to lay a rough tag on a squeeze play, apparently, which is why he’s the catcher.  Or a catcher.  He’s not the one you want.  Which is why Chooch exists.  As a partially offensive, mostly staff-managing pro, Chooch protects us from having to watch Brian Schneider hit every night.  Can you even imagine?  This nuclear offense having to deal with a  weak-swinging bench player in its midst?  They’d suck!

Which is not to say that Schneider’s timely single last night wasn’t appreciated.  I’m sure the Padres would have appreciated it a little more if it had just been a double play like all the other piss ant Schneider-sponsored grounders like all the others before it (it was his first hit of the year), but nonetheless, hey.  Thanks to an ill-advised wager with my girlfriend based on the outcome of that at-bat, I now have to wear a home made Schneider shirsey to the next Phils game I go to.  So everybody’s pretty excited about that.

The point is, Brian is a nice guy, whose capability can go as low as “intolerable” and about as high as “Heyyyrrrmm.  Mmm.”

Having to rely on him for offense is useless.  Having no other choice except for him is scary.  And Chooch, sadly, has done that, thanks to a sore wrist.  Which doesn’t sound that serious, until you’re told that it started after human cinder truck Will Venable came barreling into him in the first game of this Padres series, after which Chooch “…couldn’t grip a bat.”  He seems to be hoping it’s just one of those 24-hour wrist injuries.  Judging by today’s lineup, it won’t be.

Is this the beginning of yet another player’s individual saga, written with falsehoods and grimaces; masterminded by the front office and cackled about by Ruben Amaro on the golf course?

Well.  Even if it is.

Brian Schneider is a real nice guy.