NL East Infection: Into the Chipper


Atlanta Braves

A guy came into my work today, saw my Phillies hat, and said “Oh, by the way, go Braves.”  We all had a good laugh, until I took the bowling ball out of my truck and very rationally hurled it through his windshield.  Then everyone had a good laugh and told me I should go see a therapist.  Mondays!

Chipper Jones had a heck of a Monday as well, what with all the preseason baseball and announcing that very soon his career would be over.  Now, many people would tell you that as a Phillies fan, Chipper is one of several players who’ve been particularly troublesome, or “bullshit,” over the past few years.  But what’s important to remember is that guys like Chipper or Jose Reyes or Billy Wagner all eventually die.  “Die” in this sense metaphorically, as in, their careers die.  Because they choose to end them.

We’ve entered some dark territory here, so why don’t we back pedal furiously for a moment.

Hey, that Chipper Jones sure is talented, huh?  Even in his later years.  Hall of Famer, in my book.  Have you read my book?  It’s called ‘Handsome Gentlemen.’  I’ve been trying to get Chipper Jones to write the forward for seven years.

Anyways, the point is, one of the banes of our existence is now openly mentioning that he is approaching the end of his career.  Then he said something that indicated he is also reaching the end of his sanity.

"“The body is starting to tell me every morning when I wake up that it’s getting close.”–Chipper Jones"

Whose body does Chipper have?  Why is it talking to him?  Where is he keeping it?  Why does the body want Chipper Jones’ career to end?  Is it the body of a Phillies fan?  Why hasn’t it said anything before now?

Miami Marlins

Ozzie Guillen was tossed from his first game as the Miami Marlins’ manager, to prove a point or something in a game that doesn’t count.

"“A little excitement, set the tone, protecting my players. That’s it.”–Ozzie Guillen"

I think we can all agree that entering 2012, the Marlins were a bit apprehensive.  Surely, an offseason spent collecting high profile free agents to play key positions in an already talented lineup would fill some of their holes.  But what about leadership?  Who would the Marlins turn to when they needed an abusive father figure?  What if the key to motivating a roster full of adult men is throwing a public temper tantrum that everyone openly acknowledges as theater and not real emotion, and then tweeting about it from the clubhouse?

The Marlins have put a lot of their eggs in that basket–that really long, run-on basket I just described.  Let’s hope all that works for them.  I see no reason for it to backfire.

Washington Nationals

Sure, you probably want me to talk about what Brad said.  But here’s the thing.  Brad wants us to talk about what Brad said.  I’m sure those Nationals fans do, too.  Because of that rivalry.  Right?

Wait, I have a question.  If your neighbor starts building fortified cement walls with barbed wire and CCTV cameras on the property line because he hates you, is it considered a “war”?  No.  He can build that wall as high as he wants, but he can’t make you care about it.  And you can always use the gate to hold parties on his lawn.

So, what are the Nationals up to besides typing statements for Brad to rehearse and say to the media?  Why, they’re preserving rare species of owls, of course.  But only because its a federal law.  Otherwise, they would have shot that thing in front of her babies by now.

Have you ever seen a Great Horned Owl?  They are winged messengers of the devil, who choose their nesting ground based on where the next truly awful thing will happen.  The twisted, jagged chunk of forest that serves as a nest is usually an indicator, as are the squirrels heads impaled on sharpened sticks.

Also, the owl is nesting on a structure designed to deter ospreys.  He’s turned another species’ deathtrap into his own home.  The Nationals couldn’t be prouder!… that they will all be picked off one by one and devoured alive.

New York Mets

  • David Wright is back in New York getting injections
  • Tim Byrdak is having knee surgery
  • The bullpen catcher got a DUI

"“I thought we were friends.”–Terry Collins to Jim Leyland"

But Johan Santana’s comeback is imminent, and seems to be right on track!  And just like in 2008, getting Santana in their rotation is all the Mets need to… do whatever it is they did that season.  Probably something really great.