Phast Phive: The Exploding Planet of Preseason Baseball


Hey, the Phillies Spring Training truck left the other day!  Just as you expected, that’s boring as hell.  So above is an image from a truck that’s in a race of some kind.  There’s dirt and mud flying around and I think that’s a planet exploding back there!  What an awesome way to be reminded about Spring Training.

Let’s click some links.

Justin Klugh

If you’re like me, you feel bogged down by all the “stats” and “facts” and “information” about the Phillies.  Sure, they’re fun, and they fill up space in blog posts, and you can make fun colorful graphs and charts, but in the end, what do they really do?  “Better your understanding of the game?”  Okay, I’ll give you that one.  But isn’t it more fun to be distracted by lights and colors?  It is.  Just… it is.

So this guy has come up with a list of–and grades for–all of the Phillies intangibles, such as uniforms, logo, and stadium aesthetics.  The Phillies’ overall grade was a ‘B.’  Which is clearly horse shit, but it’s important that somebody out there is concerned about this stuff other than me.

Meanwhile, the NFL season is over, so where can we find a Tim Tebow to smear crap all over sports media outlets?  Like, way beyond the natural flow of things?  Thankfully, Jeremy Lin of the NBA has taken point on this one, and now we once again have baseball analysts using breakout stars in other sports to fuel their weekly columns of whatever in the hell this is supposed to be.

Yes, I mainly hate it because Jeff Francoeur is in it.

John Ricco

Even though pitchers and catchers are set to report in a week, Roy Oswalt, among other potential impact players, still has yet to find a home. Grant Brisbee of SBNation sees Oswalt as a Royal next year, although he admits that Boston would likely be the best fit for the veteran.

In a guest post over at Crashburn Alley, Tom Holzerman rehashes a commonly shared sentiment among Phils fans: we overpaid for Papelbon. Tom crunches a few numbers that really make the contract sound even more ludicrous, which I thought was impossible at this point.

Tony DiStefano

When loading up a truck becomes baseball news, real baseball needs to start RIGHT NOW!  In addition, anytime anyone mentions the word pallet, it reminds me that every horrible job I have ever had has involved pallets.

I still fucking hate squirrels and if he wasn’t a giant professional athlete I would punch Lance Berkman in the face.  Cardinals articles make me sick.

John Stolnis

We all know the Phillies are now jillionaires. They got more money than Davey Crocket, and when it’s time to either re-do their local TV deal with Comcast or start their own network (PTN, The Phillies Television Network!) they’ll have even more scratch to throw around. That’s hard to believe considering their projected opening day payroll for 2012 is second in all of Major League Baseball at $170 million (the Yankees are tops at $204 million, numbers courtesy of Baseball Prospectus). Remember when Ricky Otero was the starting center fielder? Tee hee hee.

By the way, you do realize the programming potential of a Phillies Television Network is off-the-charts, right? How about a show called “Wheelz!” where Chris Wheeler interviews Phillies players and coaches about their rides each week. Or “Dutch’s Dungeon,” where Darren Daulton hosts a 30 minute roundtable discussin each week with different religious and spiritual leaders about these important “end of days” in which we live. These would HAVE to be greenlit, right? Or “The Ben Davis Show,” where former first-round pick Ben Davis uses his gallons of charisma and his ties to the Philadelphia area to somehow end up on TV as a baseball expert? Friends, these are winning concepts. asked and answered the most obvious question of the week, “Who has the best starting rotation in Major League Baseball?” The answer will not shock you. What is worrisome is that two other teams from the division, the Braves (at #8) and Nationals (at #10), both made the list. But hey, that’s OK. This Phillies offense is a juggernaut.

Finally, NASA scientists and engineers have been trying for months to figure out exactly what happend to Jayson Werth in 2011, and it seems we may have a little more information on the subject, thanks to our good friends at the Four-Letter Network (quick plug… they use wicked-cool heat zones for added effect!). Jayson’s going to have to learn how to hit left-handers again if he wants to justify the worst baseball contract handed out in the history of civilization.

Ethan Seidel

Looks like The Manny show is coming back to town. Hardball talk Is reporting that he is likely to sign with the A’s before seeing training. I for one applaud the move! Isn’t the game just more fun with Manny around?

Bill Baer of Crashburn Alley wrote this week about the Phillies center field position moving forward. So much attention has been paid to Cole Hamels contract situation that I almost forgot we could lose Victorino too!