Phillies on Verge of Being Punished for Having Too Many Nice Things


When you’re the best, people are going to want to make you feel bad.  Sometimes, those people are governmental types who wag a finger and say things like, “You have too much money!  Give us it!”

What they don’t understand is that if we have more money than other teams, then we will be able to be better then they are.  Why do you think the Yankees have won the World Series every year for the last 25 years?

The point of no return is a measly $178 million, and just because only we (at $172,976,379), the Yankees ($202,689,028), and Red Sox ($161,762,475) are in danger of bumping into it doesn’t mean that it’s a problem only rich people have.  The White Sox are only $40 million away from having to give up their bank codes or whatever happens when you get luxury tax’d.

So, before people start occupying us and making a big deal about how our payroll is the same as the take from Mr. Popper’s Penguins, maybe we should remind how much of a group of quirky, scrappy underdogs we are.  When people look at Roy Halladay, they think, “What a charming smile.”  When they see Ryan Howard, they say, “Now there’s a guy who could use a pay raise.”  When they catch Ruben Amaro moving from his condo to his motorcade like a leaf on the win, they smile at each other and say, “When’s that guy ever going to catch a break?”

The point is, we may be the only team in the National League whose getting emails with “LUXURY TAX?!” in the subject line, but we’re still the same group of underpaid, underappreciated, likeable group of guys you’d want to have a beer with.  If you can imagine Doc having a beer.  He’d probably have a polite sip then spend the rest of the night pulling a boulder up a mountain.

Look, so maybe we’re the 1%-ers of baseball.  Is that so bad?  People love the 1% these days.  Well, they give them at most 1% of their love.  And as we’ve learned in the past few months, that single percentage point is the best one.  Isn’t so much more comfortable up here in our ivory towers, looking down on the huddled masses and laughing while we slingshot hot pennies at them?

Ruben Amaro will work something out, even if he has to sit in the Official Phillies Vault and talk it out with the money itself.