Mysterious Faceless Man Invites Players to Reading Phillies Stadium for “Business Mixer”


The Reading Phillies have taken an intriguing approach to the 2011-12 offseason, in that they have kept it clouded in novelty mysteries.  First there were the riddles, and now they are holding what appears to be a cocktail hour at First Energy Stadium, hosted by a cryptic man in a suit who is unwilling to show his face.

Under the guise of a “Business mixer in the team store,” the R-Phils are advancing their serpentine mind-puzzle to the next level.  Who is playing?  What is at stake?  Where is the treasure hidden?  How far up does this go?  Will there be a surprise appearance from Ruben Amaro, or will he remain in the dark, secret room behind the mini-bats with all the flickering CCTV screens?

There is only one way to find out, and that is to secure an invitation to the “business mixer” itself.  According to the website, everyone is invited today at 4:00 pm to begin what will definitely be a life-altering sequence of reality-shifting events.

TBOH will try to keep your informed on what is going to transpire a few hours from now by speculating wildly.

A roomful of Reading’s finest suits will be humming with business-talk when Screwball will enter carrying a briefcase and a revolver.  He will fire it into the air to scare off the cowards, and when the room has been cleared of all mousiness, he will open the briefcase and wordlessly point to three spots on a map of America.  He will then take off the Screwball costume and reveal that he is really a bomb with five seconds left on the detonator.

Five seconds left, a confetti will explode from within, making all those who dove out the windows look, again, like cowards.  This will leave us with only the true competitors; those whose instincts saw that their lives were in danger and still tried to grab the map before escaping.

Then, for the next four or five years, the chase will begin.  Each of the spots Screwball the Confetti Bomb had pointed to contains a clue indicating where one of the others may be.  Put them all together, and they form a fourth location, where the treasure is buried.  However, the fourth location is hidden behind an extremely dense riddle, which has multiple possible responses.  The incorrect response will lead participants to a treasure chest as well, but inside will be a picture of Ruben Amaro’s laughing face.

What is the actual treasure?  Only the luckiest, most intelligent, strongest-willed competitors get to find out.  But as they open that treasure chest and take a peak at what appears to be nothing but darkness, they may slip and fall inside of the case itself.  Only then will they stumble far beyond the limited space of the chest and find themselves tumbling out of a secret door in the outfield wall at Citizens Bank Park on Opening Day.  Security will NOT tackle you and take turns kicking you in the throat if you remember the secret password Screwball whispered right before he exploded.

In other news, did you know that Congress is trying to kill the internet?