Ruben Amaro Adds Joel Pineiro to Historic Rotation; Sits Back, Nods


If there’s one thing the Cardinals have always said, it’s “Damn, I wish we still had Joel Pineiro.”

And finally, Ruben Amaro’s act of revenge on the 2011 World Series Champion Cardinals has come.  Some thought maybe he had a hand in destroying their relationship with Albert Pujols, but that was too obvious.  No, Ruben prefers the more subtle acts; the ones that are so malicious and precise, you barely even realize they are happening.

Pineiro’s 28-23 career record with St. Louis so endeared with the team and its fans that I can’t even begin to imagine the reaction to his deal with the Phillies.

Already suffering through a traumatic offseason, Cardinals fans will undoubtedly be forced over the edge of reason, and take to the streets, turning their region into a violent orgy of bloodletting and front-window-of-local-shops-breaking.

PHUCKED UP; Pineiro Kidnapped by Phils” the headlines of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch will read, exemplifying the brazen public profanity the American midwest is known for.

Yes, it’s all happening.  Now, let’s examine our own reactions to this deal.

Joel Pineiro is an inconsistently average and injured pitcher, who doesn’t throw very hard but used to have a keen sinker.  He’s been offered a minor league contract and one of those invitations to Spring Training that I have yet to receive myself, which I assume are very fancy and hand-delivered by the Phanatic.

It takes a lot to crack the Phillies starting rotation.  The first rule is that you have to be a living legend.  If you aren’t that, then you have to have a World Series ring.  And if you don’t have one of those, you have to have enough quirks that people want to like you.

We’re a pretty hard bunch to get along with.

Anyways, Pineiro doesn’t really have those things, but he does have arms that are attached to his body.  Ruben, on a quest for more pitching depth, is willing to see what those arms can do, despite their barely above average comprehensive performances since 2004.  On the plus side, he’s never given up a run at Citizen’s Bank Park.

And neither have I!  So, again, Phillies, you know how to find me.  I’m free for all of March.