Local Child Reveals Blueprints for Phillies Flying Machine


Every innocent smile from children should tell you something:  They’re up to something.

I don’t trust them, personally.  They’re just small people whose crimes are easily excused and can fit in and out of spaces less accessible for the rest of us.  Would you trust somebody who could crawl through your dog door at any moment, and have the home invasion written off as “boys will be boys?”

“Just stop watching The Good Son and drinking coffee all night and you won’t have these issues,” say therapists, but I know there is no real solution for this.

Until now, when an eight-year-old Morgantown kid drew up plans for a Phillies blimp that, I can only assume, will be used to drop heavy things on opposing stadiums.  The drawing in question won the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation’s contest, the theme of which was “Aviation’s Value to My Community.”  I can’t think of anything of more value to our state than a grand piano landing on Jose Reyes.

The child’s name is Tiernan McCulloch, and it is his third year of winning this art contest in a row.  According to an article in Berksmont News, he has plans to be an actor, a guitarist, and a chef.  Do I now resent this kid for being better at stuff than me? Absolutely.  But I can ignore all that healthy jealousy by focusing on the fruition of his vision.

Of course, one day, McCulloch will learn that trying to be a professional artist is more than winning contests and family dinners.  It’s endless toiling, constant mockery from your peers and family, developing weird facial ticks that repel women, accidentally firing a gun in your sleep, and an extremely subtle caffeine addiction that no one knows about until your arrested trying to crawl through a McDonald’s drive thru window.

Though I guess that’s only what it’s like to be an untalented artist.

We’ve lost focus here.  The point is, the Phillies Mural scheduled to go up downtown is merely the beginning of a Phillies art revolution in the Delaware Valley.  Very soon, our team’s logo will be penetrating the sky, soaring far, far above our competitors and flanked by the endless azure of a clear blue atmosphere.  Just like in our dreams.

I can only hope PennDOT holds a blimp-building contest to kick off 2013.