NL East Infection: Onward to the Fishquarium!


New York Mets

It may shock you to learn this, but the 2012 New York Mets have very little to look forward to.  Barring the interference of a messenger from god, or someone’s arm tendons healing in such a way that they can throw a baseball 900 MPH, or Fred Wilpon’s 13-year-old nephew inheriting the team, or any other way that franchises have historically and cinematically turned themselves around, the Mets will spend the upcoming season hoping the Mayans are spot on.

Hell, if you understand financial terms, you can probably even decipher this article on how terrible Citi Field has become.  I couldn’t get through too many paragraphs without tasting blood, but it all seemed very bad in a seriously complicated way.

However, the Mets were allowed one single bright spot in their gathering apocalypse.  And that spot’s name in R.A. Dickey.

Not only is he a wicked knuckleballer in a game that wishes knuckleballers no longer existed, but Dickey is a confirmed word-sayer and thing-doer.  This time, he’s focusing on the latter, as his offseason workout regiment appears to include scaling Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania.  Will this be the tipping point that pushes the Mets back into Major League Baseball success?  Our experts say “Almost definitely not, seeing as this actually increases the likelihood of one of their effective players being killed.”

Stay tuned for next offseason, when Dickey plans to scale the side of the Empire State Building and punch a hole in a thunderstorm.

Washington Nationals

The Nationals have signed Mark DeRosa, a player whose name was mentioned by the Phillies, back before we signed Placido Polanco.  DeRosa’s name may have been followed by a bunch of sarcastic laughs before getting Polly on the phone, but his name came up nonetheless.

So, the Nationals just signed the 36-year-old utility infielder to sweep up dirt in the dugout or play in the infield or something.  Does stealing a player out from under the Phillies’ nose, albeit several years late, finally put the Nationals in the Phillies stratosphere?

“Absolutely not,” says everyone.  “Not even signing Gio Gonzalez would do that, so that thing you just suggested would do that makes no sense.”

Atlanta Braves

The Braves had a startlingly poor end to their season, and it makes sense that the experience would have turned them into a subdued, silently hostile body, grumbling to themselves in the corner and waiting for the chance to lash out whenever possible.

That’s why it makes perfect sense for the team to be currently locked in negotiations; but not with a game changing player, with Walt Disney Pictures!

No, Disney is not interested in documenting the story of the 2011 Atlanta Braves and using creative license to have the final game of their season end after the third inning when Dan Uggla hit a two-run home run.  They are interested in making another Pixar movie about a young Scottish girl with immense courage called Brave.  And the thought of their name being used to embody someone who actually achieves their goals just makes the Braves sick, I guess.

Yes, the Braves are fighting Disney over the licensing of the word “Brave,” which they say is used on a bunch of their merchandise and to describe individual members of the team.  I don’t think Disney is really open to “losing” when it comes to this kind of thing, and they already have some brand recognition from initial teasers for the film, so I can’t see them backing down without ripping out part of the Atlanta Braves organization in a tactful act of vengeance.

Miami Marlins

The government isn’t even letting the Marlins enjoy their new stadium before “launching” a whole “investigation” to ruin everything.

Obviously, Jeffrey Loria hasn’t been a model of integrity, or even an accidental shadow of integrity.  Now that there is a ton of money being obviously thrown around, the government is naturally going to get all governmenty and make sure all the money has come from fun, decent places.  Which it probably hasn’t.

But let’s ignore that, and focus on the more important parts of the stadium, like the Fishquarium!  Except I don’t know why you need to call it that, since fish are the thing that you put in a regular aquarium anyway.  According to, the Fishquarium exists because the stadium is “…in the shadows of the Atlantic Ocean,” which, I’m pretty sure, makes zero sense.

The Atlantic Ocean, of course, is rumored to contain several fish, making it the ultimate Fishquarium.