With Rollins Signed, Ruben Amaro Concludes Personal Hygiene-Strike
By Justin Klugh
The mussed up hair. The sweaty brow. The five o’clock shadow. Who is this man? Certainly not Ruben Amaro, Phillies GM and epitome of class. Certainly not the man who uses a smarm/charm combination to seduce baseball’s finest players.
I’m hardly one to judge a guy for looking like a dodgy greaseball. I once wore a smock to a baptism. But this is so entirely un-Ruben-like that it catches the eye. So it begs the question: What could possibly have worn down Ruben passed the point of attendance to his appearance?
Well, the answer is so obvious that you really don’t even need to ask the question. Ruben clearly told Jimmy Rollins he was going on a hygiene-strike until Jimmy signed back with the Phils. With the shortstop market being what it was, this was probably an unnecessary gesture, but it is nice to see that he cares this much about his players. And I’m sure Jimmy appreciated it. Or thought it was weird.
Of course, it’s not crazy to mention that Dan Lozano was involved in this process. Lozano, Jimmy’s agent and a well documented bucket of pure sleaze, may have assimilated a bit with our GM, causing this man we see above. God only knows where their meetings took place. Dan Lozano only goes to the strip clubs that you can get to by crossing messily through that tunnel from Pan’s Labyrinth.
We may never know what happened to make Ruben Amaro appear this way. However, we can rest assured knowing that with his job completed, Ruben can kick back, get a very expensive shave from trained professionals, and drink a cocktail made out of other people’s expectations.