NL East Infection: Bird Flu Edition


[Rod Anderson]

The Phillies know damn well what to be thankful for:  Spectacular, sexy homegrown talent; timely, meticulously selected, sexy free agent signings; and an aggressively sexy front office who won’t take no for an answer unless its secretly a part of their plan.  Unfortunately for them, other teams are forced to compete for our division title, and we’re left wondering: What in god’s name could they possibly be thankful for on this holiday?

We’re using our wildly popular recurring divisional news column to broadcast just what exactly these teams should be celebrating.  When we let them.

Atlanta Braves

The Braves should be glad that, yes; while they suffered one of the most humiliating collapses in baseball history and didn’t even make the playoffs, the Red Sox were doing the same thing simultaneously.  Watching any team unravel into a gallery of prat falls and sobbing is fun to watch, but everybody has a very specific interest in watching the Red Sox do it.

With Boston floundering and eventually being knocked out by the Orioles (who seemed equally surprised at what was happening), the Braves’ demise was quickly forgotten by those outside of Atlanta.  And those within Atlanta should be too distracted by all the zombies to focus on the Braves’ own private apocalypse.

Miami Marlins

Its all over for the Florida Marlins; their stenchy carcasses were rolled up in some old soggy newspaper and fed to the earth.  Now, the Marlins can rejoice in their new form, as the Marlins But This Time From Miami.

Gone are the ineffective/poorly aging managers.  Gone are the medium sea green uniforms.  Gone is the empty, ramshackle stadium getting roasted from the north side.

So thank Baseba’al, or Poseidon, or Dagon, the Assyro-Babylonian god of fish, because South Florida is about to get the baseball its always wanted.

Washington Nationals

Easy answer is Bryce Harper, but after the rooting for the Yankees thing, the cover up of the rooting for the Yankees thing, the begging to be included in lame rap lyrics, and the Tebowing, it seems as though young Bryce will do anything to be utterly despised forever.

So let’s ignore him while we still can and focus on some other currently not failing aspect of Nationals baseball.

Wilson Ramos is safe at home, thanks to the efforts of Venezuelan police, and he’s been welcomed home, thanks to the hugs of Ryan Zimmerman.  That alone is enough to forget about the simmering douche waiting to burst in their farm system.

But how about the re-branding of the franchise into a team that is in on a lot of top free agent talks and not just the silent basement dwellers developing an allergy to natural sunlight?  A lot of penniless, tailspinning organizations will lurch sloppily toward one guy in particular, only to have their hopes shoved out of the way by guffawing behemoths.  But the Nationals are no longer those guys, which must be a Phoenix-like feeling of upward mobility.

New York Mets

They’re making Citi Field easier to play in I guess.