Phillies Prioritize Offseason Moves, Re-Sign Brian Schneider


Let’s face it:  Brian Schneider is addicting.

Remember that signature thing he does?  You know, the one he’s known for?  Without it, he’d just be a pretty vanilla background guy best known for appearing in articles about Vance Worley.

If he had a slightly louder personality, I’d suggest that he’s trying to get in on the ground level with Vance’s success.  But he’s so entirely unsung and even keeled that nobody even realizes when he’s doing his job.  Which is probably why he’s the backup catcherest backup catcher in the game.

Anyways.  We got ‘im.

“BUT WHATS THE NEWS ON JIMMY ROLLINS?!” you’re screaming, rattling the glasses on the breakfast table with your relentless fist-pounding.

Look, the Phillies are a team.  That means they are many important parts that create a whole.  Brian Schneider is an important part of that hole.  I mean, whole.  I guess offensively he is kind of a hole, but that’s not the point.

The point is, I can’t imagine two players less likely to have a falling out with anyone than Carlos Ruiz and Vance Worley, let alone with each other.  But they apparently had such a horrific screaming match in the recent past that Vance refuses to let anybody but Brian catch for him.  That probably factored into the re-signing, as did the general likability of Brian, as well as the fact that he only costs a million dollars.  Which probably sounds like a lot of money, but on this team, we don’t let you play for us unless you’re willing to be flagrantly overpaid.

“YOU HAVEN’T EXPLAINED TO ME WHY THERE IS NO NEWS ON JIMMY ROLLINS,” you’ve continued, now causing a scene at work.

Look, I’m sure they’ll get to the more important pieces eventually.  They have to.  Its not like Brian Schneider can play shortstop.  I mean he’s probably likable enough for people to give him a shot at it.  And he’s certainly seen enough groundballs off his own bat to see what its like to throw them to first.

“THAT IS STUPID,” you’re replying.  And I have to agree.