Lehigh Valley Ironpigs Ask You to Prepare to be Hospitalized


Coca-Cola Park is the House of Leaves of stadiums, in that its shape is constantly shifting, morphing, and transforming; only instead of trapping explorers within its walls, the Ironpigs only intend for all this structural change to be more fun for families of all ages.  So in a way its the antithesis of House of Leaves.

But once again, the team is renovating their facility for the sole purpose of fun fun fun.  There was apparently one last corner of the place without a corporate tag/fun little name slapped on it, so naturally, it was keeping developers up all night.  Finally, that bland, tasteless section you’ve been complaining about for years will serve a purpose.

The Red Robin Tiki Terrace and Oasis will join the

"“…Bud Light Trough, PenTeleData Party Porch and PPL Picnic Patio at Coca-Cola Park…”–Lehigh Valley Live"

and will feature more fun times than you know how to have.  So be careful.

Most importantly, there will be a bar.  Second most importantly, there will be a private section made for about 50 people, which you can reserve if you’re one of those fancy schmancy types who can’t stand the constant harassment by riff raff in Allentown, PA.  And if that’s enough, which it clearly isn’t, there will be tables set up with waiter service, so that your wildest food dreams can be realized with the simple clapping of your hands (which is how people get the attention of waiters in this sort of setting).

So enjoy these new additions now, because with the way things progress at Coca-Cola Park, chances are all of this shit will be knocked down next season to make way for a water slide, a celebrity boxing ring, and an in-house fireworks emporium for when the Ironpigs get the OK from city hall to hold “DIY 4th of July.”