Scientists Already Working to Put Ryan Howard Back Together


What happened to Ryan Howard is gross.  What’s going on inside of his body is a horrible thing.  Its now a war between his injury and the ability of his body to repair itself.

Thankfully, we don’t live in an age where 3/4 of remedies are “amputation.”  This is modern medicine!  There’s lasers and shit everywhere!  Ryan will be back in no time.  Or he would be if we were still playing baseball.

It didn’t take more than one trip to the grocery store on his hoveround for the Phillies to get Ryan into surgery.  His ruptured Achilles, normally a highly debilitating condition that sidelines a player for many months, will only keep him out 5-6 months.  Which means he could be playing again by May!  Which means most early 2012 TV broadcasts will feature a replay of the last out of the 2011 NLDS many times.

It’ll be like he’s not even gone!  Though his usefulness solely in replay form will most likely be limited.

The good news is, its hard for surgery on a ruptured Achilles to go horribly wrong (80-100% success rate), and only 5% of those who’ve had the operation blow up their tendon a second time.  So what I’m saying is this surgery will make Ryan indestructible.

Just kidding!  He’ll be weaker than ever.  But you probably knew that already.  Stuck in a cast or comically large boot for 6-12 weeks, and he should start rehab exercises almost immediately (A competent health official will tell you it should start as soon as possible) (“Health official” makes it sound like doctors in white blazers are just hanging out on street corners, maintaining order).

See?  I told you this process would be fun.